Engagement Ring paid by grooms family?

My boyfriend and I live in the US and he is half japanese (on his mothers side).

After speaking with his mother she is insisting on paying for a portion of the engagement ring. Is this customary in Japanese culture? I find the idea of my future mother-in-law paying for my engagement ring (even a portion of it) peculiar and uncomortable as it is very unorthodox in Western culture.
It isn't uncommon for the groom to borrow money, but for his mother to insist on paying into it seems strange. Please help.

Betty,

As far as I know, it isn't common, and being a Japanese wife, I would feel uncomfortable too if I were in your shoes. The engagement ring is supposed to be paid by the groom himself. Rumour has it that an amount worth 3 months of his salary is expected. If he doesn't have the money, he can either borrow it or the couple can wait until they have money. The bride exchanges a gift as well, by the way. Typically a nice wrist watch.

As a Japanese American who recently got married, I went through all the ring buying process and trying to follow custom as much as possible. But what I found out are that there are absolutely no rules concerning engagement/wedding rings. There definitely are trends but what you and your fiance choose to do is purely personal and no one can or will fault you for it.

As for the ring being worth 3 months salary, that is pure myth put out by the jewelry companies. And the return gift of a wristwatch is typically given on the wedding day if I remember correctly, although I'm not sure how common of a practice this is anymore. So far I don't know of any recently married couples who have done this.

Anyway, I can understand that you would want the ring to come wholly from your future husband. But maybe his mother wants him to be able to buy the ring that is out of his means and/or she really likes you and wants to be generous to you. I have no idea how money in his family works, but perhaps it would be more palatable if she instead gave you guys a nonspecific gift of money, call it an engagement present. It may end up being put towards the ring, but at that point the ring will be entire from him.

If mom wants to finance, she can buy a gift "from future mother-in-law to future daughter-in-law" be it cash or another ring apart from the engagement ring. I think we all agree on that. But it's all up to the groom. Some mothers might want to do things differently, but at the end of the day, it's up to the groom to try to make his fiance comfortable, whatever that might mean. By the way, I'm almost 48 which is probably closer to the mother-in-law's age if that helps.

I agree. And to add, I don't think that this is a cultural thing, rather a communication issue. You need to communicate with your fiance what your stance on the subject is. I'd recommend having a solution handy as well, something about how your are uncomfortable with her paying for part of the ring but would be happy to accept it as an engagement present instead. In the end you need to communicate with him and then he needs to communicate with his mother.

That "engagement ring should cost 3 months' salary" idea is not restricted to Japan, you'll find that idea in English-speaking countries as well. I hope that not too many people are falling for that these days- it's a huge waste of money that could be going towards the purchase of a house etc.

We didn't bother with an engagement ring at all actually, partly for the above reason, partly because I don't want to be wearing a lot of expensive jewellery. We just got simple wedding bands.

As for the actual question, I agree with the above that it is not a cultural thing at all. In my case though I wouldn't want to offend my future mother-in-law and I would look at it as a kind gesture. If I were you I would just accept the offer- that is the path of least resistance. No matter how diplomatically you try to explain, I am guessing she would be somewhat offended to have her offer refused. It is not as if the ring will be tainted if she pays for half of it.

Sira, your answer if absolutely perfect!!

If I may add to it, no every mother in law is evil!!!
my paternal grandma was the dream mom my ma didn't have (her own ma was cruel with everybody. she only feared her own mom, who was actually a nice person). and loved her mother in law very very much. In turn my mom was a great mother in law.

If your boy friend can’t afford an engagement ring. How can you expect him to support you after you are married? If he can’t save up 3 months salary, how can you expect him to manage finances.

The man is supposed to go out and support the family. I have seen many men that mooch of their wife or girl friend. This is like pimping. I know sometimes a woman has a much better job than her husband. But still the man should be out there working.

It could be your future mother in law wants the best for her son, sort of speak, and feels she will do anything to accomplish this. She may feel that you are a good prize and wants to help her son. Or she may be a little over zealous, and is not familiar with American customs.

I thought I was done with this thread, but viewing the new posts, I came up with one more thing to add. I have to say that I don't think it's a good idea to try to accept his mother's payment for the engagement ring just to make your relationship better. I think it should be the other way around.

I don't know about the OP, but I think it's quite natural for a girl to wonder if this groom is "maza-kon" in other words "mother-complex" or "mommy's boy." I'm sure he is not, but I think it's important to make it clear (in a nice way) at this point about what you seek in the marriage you are facing.

For example, this is a good opportunity to express that couple issues should be done within the couple. What I mean is that it's quite important to express that the engagement ring should be financed by the future groom himself, and if the future bride decides she wants to have a tight relationship with her mother-in-law, she can express her will to accept a DIFFERENT gift directly from the mother, even if they have to cut down on their engagement ring budget.

Sure, the mother might feel offended and lonely, but it's something she has to get over with. She's not heading for the grave yet. You've got decades of in-law relationship to come. She might be loosing a son, but she can still gain a daughter-in-law without paying for the engagement ring. That would lead to a more healthier relationship where everyone would be comfortable.

I think that's what items and ceremonies are for - to come face to face with your new life and to straighten it out as you start.

I completely agree with Uco. There will be more occasions to accept mother-in-law's offers, but engagement ring should not be one of them.

I will be freaked out if my engagement ring is financed by my mother-in-law. Not that it will be tainted or anything but an engagement ring is supposed to be a symbol of our love and having someone else buy it just seems so wrong.
It doesn't have to be expensive and fancy but it has to be something he bought with his own money.

In my opinion, you people are thinking about this too much. An offer to pay for half a ring does not mean this guy has a "mother complex" or that he is less than worthy himself, for goodness sake. It may well just be a kind gesture on the mother's part, without any deep, dark ulterior motives, you know?

I say accept the offer, and move on to more important things.
I believe you have to choose your battles in life, and this is not something worth worrying about.

It may well just be a kind gesture on the mother's part, without any deep, dark ulterior motives, you know?

That may well be true but the thing is, the thread opener is bothered by it...so much so that she posted this question.
Afterall, what is/are the symbol(s) of an engagement ring? Love, devotion etc the couple shares...
What is the point if it is to be bought by the mother-in-law? May as well do without it (and I am okay with not having an engagement ring if it was to be bought by my mother-in-law).
Just talk with your boyfriend about this and then with your future mother-in-law if you are really uncomfortable with this.
Don't just keep quiet just to please...communication is very important especially between people of different cultures.

Well, I'm sure the thread opener just wanted to make sure she's doing the culturally right thing when she decides to do something.

Anyway, again I just want to make sure that she understands I'm saying "make it clear in a nice way." Once it turns out into an argument, I don't consider that "nice" any more. But there is no reason to keep your mouth shut all the way.

And thank you, Ikuyo Kuroyo-san. I knew you'd understand. Okay, I'm done unless the OP has a question.

OP is not comfortable with it, and her feelings should be honored. This is a good example of how you should hear wtat your partner says and figure out what to do together. Trust me, there will a lot more to come in the future.

Betty asked for people's opinions, I gave mine. I totally see where other posters are coming from (unfounded negativity about the guy himself aside), but I just don't see any wisdom in potentially antagonising a mother-in-law over a principle this early in the relationship.

There are more important things in life than who paid for your engagement ring.

I'm sure Betty will decide what is best for her.

Betty,

I agree with everything said and none of it matters.

On the one side, if you and your man have chosen to get married, then you have already discussed a plan for how you will BOTH manage and finance your home.

If you have not then a ring really doesn't matter. If you have and are planning to move forward then...

In my opinion, your future mother-in-law's offer is gracious and thoughtful.

However, if it really bothers you, for what ever reason, perhaps you can ask her to help with something else that is equally or even more important…

The trousseau, the apartment, etc.

Tenshi