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Marriage protocol 2009/11/19 22:45
My nephew (European) is marrying his Japanese fiancee next year in Japan. Close family are going over from the UK. My nephews godmother and a friend of very many years have asked us if they could come along as they would love to see him married in Japan. Our dilemma (his mother and myself) is would it be impolite to ask if we could bring along two additonal people to the wedding that we are not hosting? It is quite a worry as they are such dear and close friends that we don't want to let them down, but we really do not want to do anything that would upset protocol and put his future wife and her family in difficult situation. Any advice would be very warmly welcomed.
by dwl  

. 2009/11/20 11:38
It is extremely rude. I have never heard of it in Japan and I am sure it is not just in Japan. The people who would like to join should ask the host, but they must have a budget. Never show up to a wedding uninvited.
by . (guest) rate this post as useful

just ask your nephew 2009/11/20 12:35
I'm getting married this year myself, and having recent experience putting together my guest list, I can say that I have been glad to hear my parents/my fiances' parents suggestions for which family friends and relatives we ought to invite. Initially, I did not include some people on our guest list because I figured they would not be able to travel for various reasons, or would not be particularly interested in my wedding. However, I was always flattered and pleasantly surprised to hear that someone cared enough about my wedding to travel to celebrate with me, and was in most cases happy to add them to the list.

Perhaps you can mention to your nephew/son that you know these two people would love to attend his wedding. Emphasize that you know the final decision is up to him and his wife to be, depending on their feelings and the budget for the event. If you do this, I cannot see how anyone would be offended.

I do not think it is appropriate to ask the host directly - you should go through your nephew.

Hope this helps you - if you find it relevant, I'm a mid-20's American living in Japan and getting married back in the US, butI think this aspect of wedding etiquette is fairly similar in most places, with the exception of some Asian countries where enormous wedding celebrations are the norm.
by bride to be (guest) rate this post as useful

wedding 2009/11/20 14:15
Definitely ask your nephew. When it is an overseas wedding people are usually not sure at the outset who can come, so additions are not as unusual as they would be if everyone was local.
by Sira (guest) rate this post as useful

an opinion 2009/11/20 19:43
dwl,

Well, at least I don't think it's "extremely rude" or "never heard of" but you do need to do it the right way.

First of all, when Japanese people get married, they usually split the bill between the bride's family and groom's family. Each family is usually free to invite whoever they want within their split budget.

But I am assuming that in your case, the bride's side is paying for everything done in Japan, and the groom's side will be paying for another ceremony that will be held in Europe (please correct me if I'm wrong).

If so, what a lot of Japanese couples do is that they would say that the wedding is "going to be a small and humble one" and that there will be another chance to celebrate, therefore those who haven't been invited yet should wait until this other opportunity comes. That way "they wouldn't have to be paying for flight tickets and gift money for the banquet," is what you may want to say to them.

Otherwise, the groom's side can assist the budget so that they would have the freedom to invite more guests. Or if they haven't sent out all the invitations yet, perhaps they can exclude a couple of people so that they can squeeze in this godmother and old-time friend.

Either way, and needless to say, this should be discussed with the groom himself. But I'm assuming that your nephew doesn't really understand every custom concerning weddings (most young grooms don't), and that the Japanese hosts would be too polite to refuse if they were asked, which is why you posted this question.
by Uco (guest) rate this post as useful

Thank You 2009/11/20 22:46
Uco,

You have hit the nail on the head. We haven't approached my nephew yet, as we are reluctant to worry him with this burden and we thought we could try and get some feedback from this forum before we did broach the subject, and of course you are quite right, we are really concerned that to ask his future wife or her family would put them in such a difficult position that they would have to say yes even if they mwanted to say no. It's such a dilemma especially as the two ladies concerned love him and so wantto share the actual wedding with him. The problem is that although technically these ladies are 'only friends', they are really much more family.
by dwl rate this post as useful

? 2009/11/20 23:26
dwl,

Thank you for your response. I'm still wondering if any of the options provided by us helps.

For example, if they were so important to the groom, I'm wondering why they weren't included in the invitation list. Or could they still be included?
by Uco (guest) rate this post as useful

Invitation List 2009/11/23 23:01
He hasn't been asked to provide an invitation list at this stage. I'm sure the assumption is that it's only immediate family that would consider travelling so far, which is a very reasonable assumption, I am worried we may insult our hosts so I am going to advise my sister we must gently let our friends down.
by dwl rate this post as useful

good idea 2009/11/24 08:50
dwl,

Speaking to the parent of the groom sounds like a good idea. Hope all turns out well.
by Uco (guest) rate this post as useful

at least ask 2009/11/24 13:58
I'm sure your hosts are reasonable people. They of course will have no idea that there are other people wanting to come- at least ask them if it's possible. You are really not going to offend them by asking them. People who are not familiar with Japan tend to treat Japanese people as if they are very easily offended and very inflexible, which is very often not the case, I assure you.
by Sira (guest) rate this post as useful

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