Tatemae and Honne

While studying abroad in Japan, I will be living with a host family in Tokyo. It was recommended by several sources for me to read the information on this website (http://athome.nealrc.org/part_1/1_1.html) to help prepare for a homestay. I was very excited and quite carefree until I read the website and is now quite nervous and scared. I know that I should not believe everything, but it's hard not to keep it in mind. Do "tatemae" and "honne" still exist in families living in Tokyo? If so, are they very extreme?

I would not worry about that at all - just be yourself, be considerate, and that's all you need to do.

I have not read the whole thing; I'm only reading up to Module 2.2 or so. But you cannot behave as a Japanese guest would, because you are not from that culture, so how can you know? It's not that the host family assumes that. The family is hosting foreign students "because" they want to interact with cultures different from their own. The "unspoken" must be spoken out at times if needed. As long as both sides know that people can be different, that's fine. Enjoy your stay :)

I hope this is not a "tsuri" (fishing?), but anyway. I viewed Module 2.2 and I don't think it's a honne/tatemae thing nor a cultural thing.

As far as I know, in any country when a host says, "Make yourself at home." that doesn't mean you are free to do anything you want. You are expected to behave like a good son/daughter as you would "at home". You are free to use the shower, but you should make sure which bath towel is yours. If your parent at home says, "Don't stay out too late." a respectful child should not think, "Okay, as long as I'm home by school tomorrow, that shouldn't matter."

It's all common sense. Of course, some teenagers don't have enough common sense yet. It's the same in any country. Japanese teenagers, too, experience cultural gaps when traveling overseas or even when staying over at a friends home.

To avoid trouble, what any person would do is to make sure what you're doing is what you are expected to do. Expressions like "Can I drink the last milk in the fridge?" "If noone's taking a shower now, can I?" "Do you mean I can stay out til midnight? Or should I be home for supper?" will be handy.

What a good post by Uco.
Don't be stressed, just be aware of your surroundings and considerate of others and you should be fine.

You don't need to worry too much, but it is on the other hand very different from what you are used to.

In general make sure you are very polite and know your place in the family. For example, you don't want to be bothering the father who comes home from work and watches TV with questions like "where are the towels." Have him invite you to join him in things that he does, not the other way around, and always agree.

As people here said, they are very interested in learning about you. But you don't control the conversation at the dinner table, rather answer questions and contribute information about yourself. You can certainly ask questions yourself - they should be more specific than "what do you think about.."

It's a good idea to come bearing some nice gifts, from your home country for example (wrapped neatly).

Josh

tatemae is a word used by mostly obnoxious foreigners who do not want to fit in here and get in trouble for their antics.

do your best to fit in and try not to offend people. as long as you are behaving in a way that would not obviously upset or annoy people here, you will never have any problems.

I like winterwolf's answer :-)

They do exist, yes, but everyone has given you practical advice. Just try and be polite, helpful and considerate and enjoy your experience. Don't ask too personal questions to your host family, but I'm sure you wouldn't do that where you live either.

If you like your experience and wish to come back to Japan for longer in the future, you will see how honne and tatemae play out in society and everyday life. But it is for Japanese to maintain good relationships and avoid trouble in their daily lives. Also, I think some people over emphasize it (either Japanese or foreigners interested in Japan) when they can't or don't know how to answer a question.

Just be polite as you would where you are from. Other little differences will be explained to you by our host family or observed once you get to Japan. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/user/TheJapanChannelDcom

It's a youtube channel run by a long time gaijin in Japan who seems to understand a lot about the Japanese culture and mentality.

Since he's not Japanese, please still take his advice with a grain of salt, however, he does a good job of explaining hard to come across things.

One big thing I learned was Japanese people don't really like negativity, instead of letting it out that your a little depressed because your cat died. It's probably better to say everything's great and the cat's doing very well. Even though its not.