General Advice on being Social in Japan

Hello Everyone,

Part of the reason I wanted to come to Japan was because I was rather socially inept in the US and the Japan I researched online hinted that things are a bit easier to understand socially and to some degree that is correct, but at the same time there are also other things that negate that.

Either way, I really want to become less socially inept in Japan at the very least as I do enjoy the Japanese lifestyle, but because of my poor social skills it is hindering how much I can enjoy of Japan.

So I would like to ask the Japan-guide's community for some general advice on how to interact with friends/people in general for one. However, also importantly what are the hidden ques that Japanese females may use to say they like you and what is the appropriate ways to respond to them.

I know I may be asking a lot from everyone as my question isn't too specific and also not really something people like to answer, but if you can help I'd be very appreciative.

Thanks,

Derek

First of all, do you speak Japanese?
If not, I believe that there are nothing to do easer than in the US without social skill.

It is kind of hard to give you advice online, Derek. Isn't there someone you know personally that can give you advice? If not, then perhaps you can provide some sample situations?

Also, how do you define socially inept? Do you mean difficulty in dealing with girls? Or do you have problems making friends in general?

There is no formula for being social. The more you force it, the worse it goes and the worse you feel.

I have seen some of your other posts and it honestly sounds like you are just trying too hard.

If you can't be comfortable with yourself, no one is going to enjoy being with you.
You need to focus on what brings you joy when you're alone and build confidence from your own happiness.

People naturally are attracted to confidence. If you find your inner confidence, encounters happen on their own.

And obviously, put yourself in situations where you have the opportunity to meet other people.

And lastly, stop treating every female you meet as a potential romantic interest and start looking for some meaningful friendships.

Kyototrans, Thanks that was helpful! (^-^). I was kinda thinking the same thing in regards to treating every girl I meet with potential romantic interest. Now, I know to take that thought more seriously. Although, one thing I'd like to ask is what do you mean by trying too hard? I have a gist, but its rather fuzzy.

To the person who asked: I define socially inept as having trouble making friends in general.

Hi Derek,

Even though you have read about Japanese culture before, there is no way you will be able to understand the Japanese way of doing things well at first. Truth is, even if you know about general stuf, such as what is written in books, you will only get a very, very general idea about what is Japanese culture. What books don't mention is often the small, unexpected things about Japan that you won't always realize exist at first. You will only get to understand about it in time, by experiencing it. Also, always remember that people will always be different, regardless of their nationality. If you thought life would be easier in Japan, then of course, it is completely normal that it's not the case. It's also normal that you feel it's hard to make friends, because after all, you are not Japanese and however Japanese you wish to act, you were still born and raised in a different country. If you want advice, I would say, don't try to act too Japanese, that is, stay polite and respectful of Japanese culture, but don't overdo it... Try to make friends with people who share similar hobbies and have an interest about your culture. When I read about you bringing back a second and more expensive omiyage to give it to the girl, I thought it was not right and too forceful. If a Japanese acquaintance did that, I would think they might be expecting something in return and it can be a bit troublesome.

Good luck!

Sorry to be so frank, but despite what you may have read on various only forums, just because you're a foreigner in Japan won't make you automatically cool and popular. If you're socially inept in your own country, going somewhere else isn't going to improve that, because you're by nature a socially inept person. The language barrier will also make things that little bit extra difficult.

You should perhaps try adjusting your personality in your own country. Confidence is the key, confidence in not being afraid of rejection and making an idiot of yourself. It's difficult for some people, but you only live once so just go for it.

In summary, if you're a loser in your own country you'll be a loser in Japan, in any country. It's you that needs to change, not the place you live.

I just wanted to thank everyone for their advice, it really helped me understand some things I need to focus on in order to better improve my social skills.

Although one thing I would like to clarify, is I didn't think life itself would be easier in another country, but it was more there were some situations where I understood why a Japanese person would do something this way that in the same situation I wouldn't understand why an American would feel obligated to do something else. Overall it wasn't that I felt things would be easier per say, but it as more that I could more easily relate to some of the Japanese thought processes than I could to American thought processes.

In conclusion though, I really would like to thank everyone who gave their input on what I need to work on. It should really help to turn around my personality for the better.

you want the real honest truth, there's nothing that will make you as popular as a couple glasses of beer will while sitting with your friends.

beer will give you the confidence to do all the things you were too afraid to say when you were sober. and you'll do stuff you didn't know you could do.

just be careful to keep a lid on things that will annoy people or make them angry - it's easy to do so just watch out for it to ride the line between being the life of the party and the annoying gaijin.

The best way to turn your personality around is to stop thinking all the time about how people will be reacting to you.
Most shy people do that: "what if they don't like my clothes".."what if I say something and they laugh" they think that everyone stare at them and laugh at them...so they go back further in their shell...OR try to be bold and self-assured and end up sounding and acting like a loud mouth bore.

You have to stop thinking about yourself and force yourself to be interested in other people. Don't go on and on about yourself, your hobbies, your this and that...be a great listener first and foremost...

The best way to learn how to relate to people is to practice with old people (senior citizens). Go to a mall or a department store coffee shop (you could start in your own country..)
There are always older people there having a coffee or tea etc. and looking at the world going buy. after a few visits you will spot regulars. Talk to them.

Older people that are out on their own love to talk to anyone. They know a lot about life.. Because you aren't looking for a date with them you will find much easier to stop worrying about how you act and will be carefree when talking to them. .
They will also be very frank with you...if you ask them (NOT the first time..) " am I an interesting person or a bore?"... they will tell you the unvarnished truth..

Besides all that, in all the countries there are basic things one must do with everyone... like opening doors to others (including men your age or younger), saying "hello, how are you" to a coffee shop staff..or staff in any given store-- before placing your order, then thanking them afterward...
acknowledging a bus driver..the guy giving you free newspapers or tissues...
In other words treating all others as human beings, not faceless robots.

OBVIOUSLY this will be a lot easier to do in the USA first than in Japan, unless you are very fluent in Japanese....

I was going to ignore this, but it's come up enough times that I might as well acknowledge it. I have no interest in doing what is "Easy" if I wanted easy I would have stayed in the US and not come to Japan. Although, the best thing about coming to Japan thus far in terms of improving my social skills is that now I know its actually me that's the problem and not my location as one person previously stated. Had I not come to Japan, I would have continued to arrogantly think it was the people around me.

Overall, yeah things would be easier to learn in the US, but I don't care for what's easier, I like the challenge simply because it's more interesting than doing something that is easy.例えば、私は２００８年から日本語を勉強しています。私の日本語がまた下手なので長い会話少し難しいんですが、本当にこの方にいっぱい日本語言葉習いますので毎日に日本語だけ使います。それと、六ヶ所はすごく田舎ので英語話せる人があまりありません。

(For example, I've been studying Japanese since 2008. Longer conversations are rather difficult as my Japanese is still rather poor, but through these long conversations I learn a lot of Japanese words and as such I only use Japanese daily. Furthermore, Rokkasho is very far out in the countryside and as such there aren't really many english speaking people.)

Don't get me wrong I still am very appreciative of everyone's advice although I find the mentality "It's easier in the US, go learn there" to be very demeaning and rather weak-minded.

Actually, you're being weak minded in your stubborness. Staying in Japan and using the language barrier as an excuse is just another way for you to avoid becoming more social. Sorry to rain on your parade, but the psychology is fairly easy to see based on your reaction.

When did I ever place blame on the language barrier?

If I worded my posts correctly (I may have very well not...) the entire time I've been trying to say is that "hey, my social skills sucked in the US, thought that since I can relate to the Japanese thought process a bit more than the American thought process that I might have better luck in Japan. Well, I'm learning that's not the case, so if you have any general advice, please and thanks"

Where in that do I say "This language barrier is getting in the way of me being social" if anything I've put the blame on my own inexperience in the US. I really don't follow how you came to that conclusion... If has to do with the sentence "Longer conversations are rather difficult as my Japanese is still rather poor, but through these long conversations I learn a lot of Japanese words and as such I only use Japanese daily." that I used in my last post. That's called humility!!!

I took a second look at the way my post was worded, and I understand now how you came upon the premise that I use the language barrier as a way to avoid sociability.

However, I can assure that is not the case. The main reason I don't like the idea of "Go back to the US it's easier" is primarily because it gives me the feeling that I would be running away from the problem rather than facing it head on. The other thing is, as an exchange student, I REALLY have to be dieing to go back home in order for me to voluntarily go back home. Lastly, I loathe the US with a passion (for reasons beyond social incapability).

One more thing is while there is a language barrier, it isn't nearly as strong as you may be thinking. If I took the time, I could probably translate about 85% of this post with decent accuracy. Just trust me when I say I can convey the majority of things I want to convey although my current bottlecap is my vocabulary... That will be solved through time and my Japanese class though. It's much less that I can't say correctly what I want to say due to a metaphorical barrier, but much more I can say what I want to say correctly but what I want to say isn't always the most appropriate thing to say.

In essence I'm trying to ask for advice on how to appropriately filter what I say in Japan, the US and Japan require different filtering methods which is why I'm having to re-learn my filter for Japan... Although my filter was incomplete in the US as it was, it was slowly getting there...

The reason you have so much trouble is that you don't value their opinions unless they are the same as yours. You ask for advice then get all defensive when someone doesn't agree with you.
If you are socially inept in the US, you will be socially inept even more so in Japan, and of course a lot of this can be attributed to the language barrier. The Japanese you wrote was very basic and straightforward. I don't like your chances of making any good friends with such a limited ability unless you share similar interests with them.
And remember, Japanese people aren't robots. People will all react differently to different situations. There's no single easy answer to your problem. Just try to relax and accept people for who they are and don't get so defensive all the time.

If that were the case I'd be arguing on a lot more than just the idea of going back to the US... There were a lot of suggestions that I didn't agree with, and not just between you and the other guy who was offensive.

In terms of my basic Japanese, either way I'm still learning so it'll get better through time... (Speaking only... reading and writing takes study although I prefer to learn how to write what I know how to speak rather than learn how to speak through learning how to write.) I would say don't focus on that aspect really... it's more of a case of 仕方ない than anything else.

I would like to thank everyone again for their advice, however, I'm not arguing anymore with the last two posters on this regard... I got enough of a gist of what I need to work on so thanks for your time.

What are you interested in?
You could try joining a sport club.
Cooking groups are a lot of fun. You will get to improve your Japanese, meet people and learn how to make delicious food.

At Rokkasho High School, I am in Calligraphy club and Ping-Pong Club. I was originally in Tennis club, but as it gets darker sooner due to winter we can't practice as much and also there aren't that many people in the club anyway.

Calligraphy club only meets on Mondays and Wednesdays and as such I decided to do Ping-Pong club secondarily on Tuesdays and Fridays. Thursdays I'm at Japanese language class during school club hours. Most clubs meet on Saturday too, but most often I am busy during that time doing something else (that varies per weekend... Orientations or Some Local Event or something...)

I'm heavily interested in Japanese culture (Hence the Calligraphy), but I also love to play drums and fix computers. I checked out the computer club and all they do is typing practice all day... If it were learning to program or something, I might be more tempted but yeah -.- As for drumming, the school band doesn't really have much of a drum kit and I actually asked about the possibility to my ''Supervising'' teacher and she said it wasn't a good idea.

If you're in that many clubs and still struggling then you're clearly doing something wrong or are never going to increase your popularity. I've seen it before in Japanese schools where one or two kids are disliked by everyone, and when asked there is no reasonable explanation. Sounds to me like you're just unpopular, because the Japanese group culture dictates that people would want to be sociable with you unless they see you as an outcast. You need to change your scene.

The unpopularity was never really actually the case, and the reality is that I was just kinda in a depressive state due to culture fatigue.

In short, a while ago a person I thought was my best friend exploded on me for some reason having to do with not reading the air, I was put into shock that day (to the point I almost cried without knowing why) from the event and well sub-sequentially it appears my self-esteem dropped as a result of that event.

Thanks to the help of the people of these forums, they helped me revive my sense of confidence and self-esteem. I would like to thank everyone for that again.

During that time of low-confidence/self-esteem I thought that I was unpopular, but in reality it is quite the opposite. So yeah, it is much less that I'm socially inept but more so I was just in a sad mood for an extended period of time due to something that happened a while ago.

Thanks though for your time.