j-girl choose other country

Hi everyone

A few days ago I posted an answer in another thread, boyfriend belittles my country. i'm the guy from argentina who has a j-girl who is maddly in love with everything mexican. my problem got bigger so i thought is better to make me own thread.

for those who didn't see it, i talked about my j-girl who studied in mexico for a year some years ago and love it so much that she's always comparing it with argentina. the two times she came here she always said things like mexico beer is better, mexico food is more tasty, mexico subway is cleaner, mexico this, mexico that... is amazing the number of things she says! i told her to please stop the compare and she said sorry and did't know she belittle my country. she stopped a little but sometimes she says the same things again.

i was hurt recently because she volunteer at embassy for help mexican people in japan affected by tsunami. she found no one but did't try to help argentinian.

we have been 3 years in a long distance relationship. only 3 months i lived in kyoto close to her. i have traveled one time to japan, she have come two. the two of us have finished university, im working and she too.
i have been insisting she should come to argentina to work and be together. she said she would do it when she find a job here, so i tried to wait. i can't go to japan because i don't speak japanese and can't get a good job. also i'm alergic to fish so its difficult for me to live there i think. now the real problem:

she told me this morning she's going to return to mexico for studying master! she said so happily but i just said ''ok'' inside feeling so dissappointed. she asked me why i don't seem happy and i said because i want her to come to argentina. then she said im selfish and only thinking about me and not thinking how happy she is to return to mexico.

my question is. why cant she come to argentina for master??! she is going to research something in hispanic culture and spanish language, she can do it here too! is her love for a country stronger than love for me?

she says that if i want to put my part i should go to work in mexico because many foreigners work there and speak spanish too. also because is not fair that only she has to move to different country that i choose. i really don't care working in mexico, but i hate to think she choose a country she loves over the person she loves.

i told this to my friends, many of them tell me to dump her because that is proof i'm not important to her. but i really love her and i don't know what to do. if go to mexico, wait for her or break up.

do you think i'm overreacting to this situation? is she right with the things she says? beacuse i think she's so unfair....

please help me. this is my first time in long distance relationship. i feel strongly i should break up with her, but i don't want to make a mistake. i need to be really sure first.

thanks for reading

She needs to get her priorities straight. Dont get blindsided like i did. "read did my gf got cold feet"
If she is serious with you she can do her master in Argentina. My opinion (no offense to Mexico) is a 10 times better place.
So you need to have a serious talk to her and move on if she likes to wonder around.
cheers

I meant in previous post. That my opinion is I take Argentina over Mexico (10 times over) . This just my opinion. I think 3 yrs of LDR is pushing it. LDR rarely works and things are always in version of collapse even when they seem great. Anyway, you need to have a serioius long talk to her and state what it bothers you. She is either in or out my friend. I gave up dating Japanese. (after my last one). Dated or have been with at least one dozen of them. I cant figure them out thats for sure. Totally diff from Chinese or Korean or Viet . Im not saying bad but tot diff. Maybe the one that are dated were a bit young. But I even dated some Berkley Grad and was same deal.Anyway good luck

well...if i play the devil's advocate, i actually think your girlfriend's got some good points.

first, you say you've been insisting a lot for her to go to argentina. how would you feel if she was insisting you that much to go to japan? and sorry but that excuse of "i'm allergic to fish" is a very lame one. there is more food you can enjoy and you should know that since you lived in kyoto. As for the japanese language, yeah, it'll be a big challenge, but then again, many people overcome it with some effort and dedication.

second. you have to think of your girlfriend interests. she probably wants to do a master in those topics in the very best schools. i don't doubt argentina has good ones, but being very objective here (without trying to offend argentina and hopefully not creating a flaming war), mexico has been known for being the main gate to latin america and the house of the best universities also of LA, not to say its economy is much healthier. that is a fact, not an opinion, so those might be good reasons for your girlfriend choosing to go there.

and that takes me to the third point. she's right in complaining about having to be the one to move to the country of your choice. what about you? would you consider moving out to mexico for her happiness? think it throughly because I don't see it as a really messed up idea. you could actually get a better job there, get some international experience, and also be close to her.

i do understand the pain you feel when she chose mexico over you, but i think it was the direct outcome of your closeness to other ideas. seems like you were only considering the option of her going to argentina and nothing else. had you shown more disposition and openness to other possibilities, she might have considered to go there with you.

i say, talk it over again with her but show a different attitude. if still she has her sight set in mexico, then you'll really have to understand that she has the same right as you to live in the country of her choice and you'll either have to follow her, or end the relationship.

if you show a different attitude, i'm sure she could think again about argentina. give it a try

good luck!

It seems pretty clear she does not respect you and she's not really considering a future with you.

So it seems to me she is not worth the trouble as she's made it clear you're not worth much to her.

You should not have to convince your girlfriend to open up to the positive aspects
of your country.

Why lower yourself to such a pathetic status?
At this rate, you may stay together but eventually she will cheat on you with the first Mexican man she fancies.

There are plenty of women out there who will look at you and your culture for what it is without the need to compare.

I would always say to anyone never to give up on education, so I guess I feel somewhat the same as Vishay. It is clear you have very different values in life. It is not about one is more selfish than the other. You simply are different. It probably is better to go to your separate ways without haveing any more negative feelings toward each other. You both deserve someone who accepts for who you are, not someone forces you to fit into his/her expectations.

I'm with Vishay here. Moving to another country for your partner is a huge step. You're not willing to move to Japan for her, so I'm not surprised she's hesitant to go to Argentina for you. Especially since you've been in a LDR most of the time. You never really lived together. What if you break up after a couple of months because you find out that you don't match after all? Moving to Argentina would be a pretty risky decision for her.

Living together in Mexico for a while sounds like a good compromise to me though. If you're willing to give it a go now, she might be more open to the idea of moving to Argentina with you in the future. By then you will know each other well enough to tell whether you can actually have a future as a "normal" couple.
I also think it might be good for you to live abroad for a while as well, because it will be so much easier for you to understand the troubles that come with living in a foreign country, which means you will be able to support her better if she decides to go to Argentina eventually.

If you expect her to move to Argentina without even considering the possibility to move somewhere else for her, I'm afraid you're the one being unfair.

Anyway, talk to her, and if she should be completely against the idea of ever moving to Argentina even if you're willing to go to Mexico for a while for her, it's probably better to break up.

I totally understand btw how hard it must be for you that she keeps comparing your country to Mexico. Been in a similar situation once.

Dude, your girlfriend is actually doing you a favor... can't you see it? She's very clever!

You're not willing to move to japan because you're alergic to fish (bad excuse) and you don't know japanese (reasonable, but still bad excuse). Still, she's set the table ready for you!

She goes to Mexico, gets to enjoy it, and works on her masters. On the other side you don't have to travel so far to Japan, don't have to deal with fish, don't have to learn a new language and can even add up some international experience to your curriculum. It's a win - win situation to me, a pretty good deal i'd say. what's stopping you?

I think it's more than obvious that you're just very jealous that she prefers another latinamerican country over Argentina and that only makes evident your lack of self-confidence. I'm native from France and my gf loves the UK, so what? I don't care as long as she loves me and intends to build a future with me. so please leave the nationalistic pride aside and be open to take the best path for both of you, not the one that would be the most comfortable and convenient only to you. remember you two are equal and both have the same right to look for solutions to the LDR.

if you reject her offer you'll make it very clear to her that you won't take any plan that doesn't include Argentina in it. who's being unfair now? She's expecting to see some willingness from you, not to only wait for her while dancing tango and cheering for maradona in the comfort of your homeland.

As a girl who was in a LDR before (eventually married and went to my husband's country), I think it seems odd that she is obsessed with Mexico and in a relationship with someone who only speaks the same language. I agree with others who think she is not really so much serious with you and I believe if she was to be flirted with by a handsome and interested guy from Mexico, she would leave you for him. If she studies there, she might replace you easily. If you go with her, she still might prefer to find a guy from Mexico as that country is her obsession. If she was wanting to go to Japan with you then maybe it is just the her feeling stress from cultural difference but she seems set on living in Mexico, with or without you. I think you should let her go and do not just sit and wait. If she truly loved you and was serious, she would be content with visiting Mexico with you a few times a year but she wants to be in Mexico, live there and study there. Sounds like trouble to me. If you decide to go with her, be prepared for the possibility she may replace you. If you stay but she goes, be prepared for her to forget you.
Sorry to be so direct. I know it must be difficult for you.

Off topic. But I would love you to take a shot on my thread. "did my gf got cold feet" ??
Cuz it looks you are Japanese lady (former) LDR and eventually married.
I agree with your assement by the way. Best so far in my opinion.
Sorry argentina for using your thread

wow, many opinions! i wrote this almost two days ago and it wasn't published, i thought moderators rejected my thread but is here now.

well, i see you are split in two ways of thinking. some of you think my girlfriend has the right to do what she doing and others think she has no interest in me.

i have more for you because we talk of this in the morning.

she said to me that she wants to go to mexico to have the "last adventure". that mean, she wants to have a last opportunity to be student again, learn new things, and enjoy life in mexico because she know that after that is need to settle down and work. she also say she want to do this because knowing that her future may be in japan or argentina. but even so, she said she would love to live in mexico

she said i have two options. one is to live with her in mexico and start a life there, something she think is exciting for the relationship. the other is to wait to her finishing master maybe 1 or 2 years, and decide the possible place to live together.

i still don't know what to do. it's ok go to mexico but that means leave friends and family behind and never think before that. but if i don't go maybe she can find a mexican and leave me. but what i really think is that she should come to argentina and live here because she know spanish and is easy for her. also because i have a job and not easy to change for me. in adittion, i thought japanese woman would follow the man or husband where he go, but this girl is very independant.

please give me advice with this new information. is she fair what she wants to do? her plan? thanks

Last adventure??? Screw that. What that means?
Banging the first hot Mexican that will smile at her?? (sorry no offense)
She is not ready and is trying to drag you along.
Read the post by the Japanese lady that was in LDR and got married. Why both of you guys need to take chances and move to foreign countries.
There are two first choices Japan or Argentina. (unless USA or somewhere were opportunities are better).
Trust me I met a few of these type of japanese . Studying outside Japan for their last adventure. I might be wrong and of course majority of Japanese woman are great but she doesnt sound like the right one. I just have a funny feeling bout this. Im sure she had more than what she told you in Mexico.
I advise you against moving to Mexico. Let her go there, is cheap to travel from Argentina to Mexico you guys should be able to see each other often. And play by ear (see what will happen and decide)

i think your girl just doesn't like you as much as mexico. It's simple as that. It sucks how you'll have to toss your 3 years of relationship, but as someone said above, you guys just have different paths. Right now, both of you don't want to give in, but what you guys need need, is to both be thinking of each other.

If she wasn't serious about you she would have dumped you by now. Japanese girls are very popular with guys from all over the world. So if she wanted a Mexican guy instead of you she would be in a relationship with one by now. Why bother with a LDR for three years if she wasn't serious? Plus, since you're from Argentina and not from Mexico you can be sure at least that she isn't dating you because of your nationality.

Don't underestimate the difficulties of living in a foreign country. It's hard, no matter if you speak the language or not! I speak Japanese fairly well and it still isn't easy for me to live here even though I chose to come here because I wanted to. It's harder to handle simple everyday tasks that I wouldn't even think twice about in my own country, and it's even way harder to work in an all Japanese environment. Everything takes so much longer to get used to. You feel stupid quite often because you have to ask simple stuff all the time that you would just know in your own country. And you always stand out as a foreigner.

If your girlfriend moves to Argentina even though she doesn't really want to, it will be even tougher for her and she will feel the pain of being seperated from her family and friends much more. She might have problems to find new friends just because her attitude would probably be more hesitant. She might turn into a completely different person who is unhappy all the time and complains to you about life in Argentina. It's no use convincing her if she's not ready for it. You'll have to wait until she decides to come to Argentina out of her own will.

You should go to Mexico with her if you can find a job there. She's not completely against Argentina, she's just looking for a more equal option. Anyway, she seems to be thinking about a future with you. She's probably just afraid to do the big step and hopes for you to meet her halfway.

And no Japanese girls do not follow their husbands blindly wherever he leads them. They are just as strong willed as girls from other countries as you will see if you read a few other threads in this forum.

To Sam:
I think you should stop making assumptions about every Japanese girl who doesn't happily sacrifice her own life to be with her boyfriend, just because you had a few negative experiences in the past! Even though you say things like "the majority of Japanese women are great" you come off as very negative and keep bashing other people's girlfriends. You don't know this girl, and neither do we. So we shouldn't judge her! We only know one side of the story, we hardly know anything about the OPs relationship with her, so we should try to give advice that's fair to both of them.

all of you think it's very easy to go to mexico for me. if it's not easy that she comes to argentina, why is easy for me go to mexico? it is same situation.

and, yes, for someone said i'm jealous of mexico, of course i am jealous! it's hard for me the thing she loves other country but don't understand why! argentina is maybe is more poor than mexico in economy but we have europe roots only in latin america!

we have good cities, just like mexico, and good schools and more important, i live here, this is my country, but she prefer going to mexico. is beyond my understanding. is crazy. i have good reason for not go to japan, but she have no good reason for not come to argentina. only because masters? and what about love?

is not same for men to move different country than woman. woman is easy because many times don't maintain family with money and they adapt better. i think we continue with relationship now but when she goes to mexico we need to decide if break up or not.

but thanks for the advice everyone, hope you understand me. thanks.

rulfus,
it looks like you're very attached with your country [argentina] and your japanese gf is in love with Mexico and preferring to go there as her first choice for studying and living because she's more familiar with Mexico's culture and food. You can't blame her for having different preferences. I guess she is just independent and you don't like it since you want her to follow you here in Argentina and you can't agree with her for preferring Mexico and you can't don't want to make any sacrifices to live in Japan with her [fair enuff...}.

I've been to Argentina, the infrastructure(esp the arrival part of the airport) is simple and old [buildings about to crumble any time]

stellar stars

"is not same for men to move different country than woman. woman is easy because many times don't maintain family with money and they adapt better"

This, to me, is a pretty offensive, sexist comment.

actually, it does have a ring of truth to it.

It seems people don't realize this isn't a yes man forum. You're not obligated to side with the OP in every topic folks. The majority of the posters seems to have this cliched love conquers all view on things. Take of your rose tinted shades and take note of where your priorities are. The OP's girlfriend's are obviously in the right place.

This is 2011 she has every right to try and achieve what she wants out of life. She shouldn't be expected to follow you to the ends of the earth and be your live in maid. You're selfish and as stated before sexist. I doubt you even realize it.

"all of you think it's very easy to go to mexico for me. if it's not easy that she comes to argentina, why is easy for me go to mexico? it is same situation."
I'm sure it's not easy for you to go to Mexico. You're not willing to go to Japan and she has goals. She's trying to include you in her life. She has already given life to the idea of living with you in Argentina in the future you just have to be willing to bend.

"and, yes, for someone said i'm jealous of mexico, of course i am jealous! it's hard for me the thing she loves other country but don't understand why!"
Why? If she ever leaves you for some Mexican guy it'll likely be in part due to your non-existent self confidence (you should work on that). You're girlfriend loves Mexico, that's who she is. If you love her and want to be with her you need to except that. Nationalism is silly and dangerous (the latter not really relevant in this case, but I digress). She isn't trying to offend you. This is definitely your problem and you should deal with it. I'm sure you love plenty of things she doesn't, but I doubt she makes such a big deal about it.

"and more important, i live here, this is my country, but she prefer going to mexico."
She gave you the option to go with her. You can't expect her to put her life to the side to appease yours.

"is beyond my understanding. is crazy."
You should open your mind, it's not in the least bit crazy. You're side of the argument is a lot closer to the crazy line than hers.

"i have good reason for not go to japan, but she have no good reason for not come to argentina."
No, using your logic you don't. Using reasonable logic you have just as much reason as her not going to Argentina.

only because masters? and what about love?"
A masters is pretty important. You should ask yourself that same question.

"is not same for men to move different country than woman. woman is easy because many times don't maintain family with money and they adapt better."
misinformed blatant sexism.

"i think we continue with relationship now but when she goes to mexico we need to decide if break up or not."
So continue the long distance relationship until she moves to somewhere that would have to continue the long distance relationship? Doesn't really make a whole lot of sense. It sounds to me you're saying I'll see if she actually goes through with going to Mexico and not Argentina and if she does I'll end it.

I think you should break up with her. She deserves someone who will think about her or the relationship, not just them. If you truly love her then you shouldn't have any problem making that compromise to be with her. She's stated that she is willing to go to Argentina after she accomplishes her goals, but you'd never consider moving to Japan (or even Mexico).

P.S.
I completely agree with nana, espcially about sam. I've yet to see him offer anything worthwhile to the site. All negativity, bashing, or piggy backing the people with similar misfortunes. I wouldn't have a problem if his posts weren't void of reasoning, I don't have a problem with someone disagreeing as their points have some sort of leg to stand on.

...if their points have a leg to stand on.*