dumped by language partner

so i met this guy through a japanese club at my school and asked him to be my language partner. he happily obliged and we started meeting two times a week for language exchange. well recently, i asked if he wanted to hang out sometime and he freaked out because he has a gf back in japan. the sensitive person i am, i asked him if me being a non-japanese speaker was a problem. he started saying he was in an akward atmosphere and feeling uncomfortable, and wanted to head back to his dorm. at this point i thought i did something wrong, so i asked him what did i do? and in response he said he'd explain his feelings on facebook (which he never did) and then he got up and then told me to find another language partner, then got up and ditched me at mcdonald's. maybe i came on too strong? i meant good intentions, i swear. just trynna make japanese friends at my school. since he didn't explain to me his rude behavior on fb, i sent him a message telling him how rude and impolite it was to just ditch me, which he ignored (not to my suprise). i'm kinda baffled and wondering how to find another language partner i can meet with face-to-face (i don't like skype). guess i'm just wondering what would compell him to just up and ditch me? and if he dislikes me so much, why didn't he just delete me from fb? if anyone has any input on this frustrating scenario (no rude comments please) it would be great!!

Japanese culture is a little different.

Generally (keyword generally/usually) when someone has a boyfriend/girlfriend they don't go hang out with another person of the opposite sex alone.

As an American, I understand what you are feeling, and I agree from my perspective, but from the Japanese perspective they generally don't make plans to go hang out with someone alone, unless there is some kind of interest.

It's very difficult to explain it's not so much that they are more jealous, it's just the way it is.

There are plenty of people who are not like this in Japan but this seems to be very common, and the same for my relationships here.

He probably felt awkward or guilty, or worried what his girlfriend would think/say when she found out or he told her. So he is avoiding the situation all together. He is avoiding you to avoid the problem. He doesn't want you to become an enemy or opposite of a friend, so he's ignoring the problem. Many Japanese (of course not all) do this thing too.

I would just explain that you realize it's a culture difference. That you learned about how a guy and a girl don't hang out alone usually in Japan when one of them already has a partner. Explain to them, that it's not like that there, and the culture is different, but you understand why he felt uncomfortable. Then say it's ok to not hang out alone, but still wanna be language partners. And if you do ever hang out it will be with some friends in a group.

From his point of view he was your language partner, nothing more nothing less. By only two of you hanging out, it implies it is going to be something romantic or at least it suggests you are romantically interested in him. He wants to be a good, faithful boyfriend and it seemsed to him you were willing to cross the line. Thus he started viewing you as a dangerous person.

Probably it was not your intention and appearently you are upset. You could have explain yourself clearly, but instead you accused him of being rude. It was a misunderstanding of both sides. Next time you should be more clear of yourself and stay clear of guys who have a GF, if you wanted something more.

A few things I can imagine. Probably because of the different implications of "hanging out together," upon hearing the words "you want to hang out with me?":

- first reaction: what? she wants to go out with me? then
- he might have thought: ohhh how stupid of me, when she said language partner, she was looking for someone special. How stupid of me not to notice that!
- he might have thought: did I do something to make her believe that my intention was anything other than language partnering? What did I do wrong? Did I implicitly already agree to going out with her, by agreeing to doing language partnering? I feel bad about this.
- he might have been simply disappointed that what he thought was a language partner may have been an attempt at finding a boyfriend.
- he might have been simply shocked - like being confessed her love by some girl he genuinely thought was his best lady friend/buddy (no romantic interest at all).

...with all of the above possibly mixed in, probably the best he could do was to get away from you at the moment. Sorry how it happened.

for the record, i have a boyfriend myself, and i was not romantically interested in him. i made it very clear to him at mcdonald's that my intention was platonic, and later on in my fb message. perhaps i freaked him out because i undisclosed to him that i have dated japanese men in the past, but my beau now is american. my feelings were hurt simply because i was looking for a friend (and he seemed like the friendly type) but now i realize he was only looking for conversation. i asked both girls and boys if they could be my language partner, and he's the only one who agreed. if it were a girl i would have asked the same question. my friends who were lucky to strike female convo partners are hanging out with them. i had no idea hanging out one on one with taken people was a taboo in japan, since here at my college i hang out with guys who have girlfriends (american) and my guy hangs out with girls who have boyfriends (i am not the jealous type, and my guy friends have been friends with me for years). but now that i know this, i won't ask a taken japanese guy to hang out again!

he's ignoring/avoiding my friends also. maybe because they are accosiated with me, i dunno... in my opinion, he's acting like a jerk. it's not like i asked him to go skinny dipping or something. is his behavior normal in japanese culture? i'm studying abroad this summer, and am really hoping to get a good experience, but right now i'm kinda ashamed to show my face to the japanese students at my university, so i've decided to avoid them altogether. embarrassment level: 50000%.

No, offense, but I don't think its fair for you to call him a jerk. You really don't know that much about the relation between him and girlfriend. For all you know, they could really be having a difficult time and on the verge of breaking up, if that's the case, I can imagine he'd be incredibly proctective of his relationship with her. No, I'm not going to browbeat you and say you were wrong, but I think your characterization of him is a bit unfair.

You seem a little too invested in his response, it would be better to take a step back and detach yourself from the problem. His response has to do with his relationship with his girlfriend, it has nothing to do with you.

I agree with cards569 and Tilt. Please don't take it personally. It wasn't a good match, that's all.

Like the others said, you seem a little too invested in your response. You really should just take a breather.

I think he is taking it a little far also ignoring your friends as well. That may just be his particular personality or he may have some special situation or reasoning.

As for ignoring you, he felt uncomfortable or worried about what someone would think. his girlfriend, friends, it doesn't matter who, but for some reason he didn't want to hang out like that.

Then without trying to understand, and what seems is you maybe viewed it a little one sided (although your view may seem common and a normal one every one has), you called him a jerk.

Japanese reasons for ignoring are often to avoid conflict. He doesn't want to meet with you (and hang out) but he doesn't want some kind of enemy, fight, or conflict, so he is just ignoring it until it dissappears. I think he is a little different to go as far as to ignore your friends also, but it could be related to you telling him off. That is just a guess. He has his own personal reason or reasoning behind that...whether its good or not.

As for taken people hanging out, yes I know that very well. I'm a young American living in my 20s, and I understand very well and I do the same with my American friends, but in Japan, I can only say it's just different in that respect. You have your "friends" and you have your "shirai(aquantinces". Japanese tend to keep these two very separate. It's hard to explain this properly, it can change and differ a little or a lot from person to person, but generally that's how it is. Of course it is changing a little bit maybe it seems recently.

maybe it was unfair for me to rerfer to him as a jerk, but nobody is seeing the circumstances of that situation. i had an exam the next day and needed his help. and he decided to ditch me with all of my things laid out in front of me. he also accused me of "trying to argue with him" in a public place, when i was simply asking him if my japanese speaking skills were an issue for him (in my mind, i seriously thought he had an issue with me being an american, and a black american at that!). but of course i never said that to him. but he knew i had an important test the next day and he inconvienced me. that, in my opinion, was jerky, and only because i asked the guy if he wouldn't mind hanging out sometime (i could never imagine an american guy having a reaction like to that question). but i have had some pretty "rude" experiences with men of japanese descent. so it leaves me to the question of "is it personality or culture"?. but i'm so busy working on my university's japan night that i really haven't had time to seek out another language partner, although i am a little on the fence with males especially. i would love to avoid another situation like that....

Seriously, it sounds like you are overly dramatizing the whole situation. Instead of spending your time thinking about how badly you were treated, you should move on unless you are finding a self satisfaction from being a helpless victim. It's a waste of time.

It sounds like he was a jerk. I do think culture plays alot into it as well.Do not worry about it anymore, you go your way and let him go his own way.

I don't think hiding from the other Japanese students is gonna help. Especially since it was just him; so don't completely associate him with everyone else.

What you should really do is just act normal. If you act like it's nothing, perhaps he might let it go after awhile. Don't pry at him though, just give him at most a friendly (not awkward) hello unless he strikes up any conversation. But really I think you just should let him go, you can't make him be your friend after all.