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Girl-Girl do I give a goodbye-gift? 2012/2/27 22:58
I have a Japanese friend, a girl two years younger than me. I like her more than I should but not in a sexual way. When we hang out, sometimes it's great and we have fun and other times she's moody and annoyed with everything I say or do and the evening is cut short with a smile but I can tell she's angry about something. We always do what she wants to do and never what I want. She says herself she's spoilt and not interested in other people. I have to drop everything and go see her wherever she is, but she won't travel 15 mins on the subway to come hang out in my neighborhood. She gave me a New Year's gift and I reciprocated but she didn't say anything or even thank you. She's always saying how much fun she has with her Japanese friends so I feel slighted and wonder why she hangs out with me. Just for English practice maybe? I used to be her teacher but got fired because of our friendship. She said friends should support each other, but when I got fired she just said 'aachi ne' and left it at that. She recently got an iPhone which sends me blank texts and when I showed her the problem she got mad and acted like it was my fault. I suggested she send the text to my email instead and she rolled her eyes saying it was too much trouble. I think she is selfish though I love her very much.It upsets me too much so I want to quit.

Is it customary or accepted as a sincere gesture to give a parting gift accompanied with a letter? We've been fairly close friends for a year. However, now she has grown distant and doesn't seem to care whether we are friends or not. At least that's how it feels. She's going back to Japan in a few months anyway. Thank you in advance for any advice and I apologize for no paragraphs as I'm typing this on my phone.
by theodosy75 (guest)  

Re: Girl-Girl do I give a goodbye-gift? 2012/2/28 17:00
Wait, let me get this straight. Your former student, who played a pretty big roll in getting you fired (or losing your job or whatever) still hangs around but is rude, dismissive, manipulative and bossy, confesses to have 'no interest in people' and tells you how much more fun she has with others - and you want to give her a present?

How convenient to have a teacher she used to have to pay to hang around for free now, all while having her childish and rude behaviour tolerated and actually encouraged, by you doing things like dropping everything and doing whatever she wants while getting nothing in return.

Drop the dead weight. You're being used.
by lettucethesalad rate this post as useful

Re: Girl-Girl do I give a goodbye-gift? 2012/2/28 17:10
I agree with previous mail! How can u even call that girl a friend? Friends doesnt treat each others like that! Forget her, u can find better!
by Sushi (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Girl-Girl do I give a goodbye-gift? 2012/2/28 22:49
Thank you both very, very much for taking the time to answer and help. I really appreciate your thoughtful responses.

I agree that I have long had feelings of doubt and resentment, that I often see a side of her that makes me feel disillusioned. However, then I wonder if she is right in saying I am too sensitive, but I would say she is too strict.

I am also extremely sentimental, and while she did play a role in my getting fired (and I think she knew that, but would not admit it or say anything, not that it's her fault of course - she said at the time 'We are adults so we can have a relationship') she also made my New York life bearable and fun many times. I loved her very, very much in a sentimental/high romantic (many class-S way? kkk!) so I want her to know, without saying directly, how much I valued her friendship...when it resembled more of a friendship that is.

Sorry to seem so self-absorbed about this, but I really have no-one else to ask and I was hoping to get a cultural perspective. Hoping too whether someone would say how a gift like that would be interpreted.

Thank you so much.
by theodosy75 (guest) rate this post as useful

Re: Girl-Girl do I give a goodbye-gift? 2012/2/29 19:00
You were and are USED. You need to get strong for your own sake and this type of ''friend'' is very bad for you.
And there is nothing cultural at all about it. These type of people are all over.

I had the same problem many years ago with a guy-I am a guy. Nothing sexual at all. I admired him for all sorts of things I didn't have, but then had to give, give, give. My time, attention, even money etc. and never received anything in return. I always worried about pleasing him, he couldn't care less about me. All he wanted--I realized later--was my fawning admiration..

Then someone, an older customer in the coffee shop we always went to --told me ''that guy is toxic, bad for you''. I was embarrassed and didn't like to hear that at all. But that night, at home, I knew deep down that it was so true.

I broke up with the golden boy. I stopped at once writing, phoning. When I saw him in the coffee shop I looked past him and didn't talk to him, even when he tried to talk to me. I Kept reading a book and saying hello to other regular customers. .

Guess what? within a week he was already hanging around the coffee shop with someone else.
A while later I warned that person, who of course told me I was just jealous etc. Several months later---I was no longer going to the same coffee shop--- that person ran into me on the street, apologized and said ''you sure were right''....

I know how you feel. Been there, done that!!
Believe me, DO NOT give her a gift, much less a letter (unless you have the courage to write that she is a cruel, selfish, nasty person..but then she will just laugh) .

Walk away and start learning to love yourself.

Deep down you have bad feelings about yourself. Shy, sensitive, introverted people spend way too much time thinking about themselves, about what is wrong with them, about what people may think about them and on.. and on..and on ..

TRUTH is other people may look at you in the street or..but they don't actually see you..they think about the 1000 of things in their own life..

Find something to do that you really like, or something that you know you should learn, anything that you can do with like minded a hobbies club, a community place, a sport place...something that take your mind away from yourself..

Force yourself to talk to strangers of all ages in coffee shops, on a bench in a park. etc. Old people have a wealth of experience, they love to talk to strangers, don't care what you wear, how you look....

One day, for sure, someone will find you, totally by accident. Likely not the person you have always dreamed about..but somebody that see something very good and nice and lovely about you..
.....slowly a true strong sincere friendship will grow even..maybe

by Red frog (guest) rate this post as useful

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