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My japanese husband 2004/9/29 12:47
I am living w/ my husband for 5 months now & i still have no permanent job yet. we don't have kids, either so it's just the 2 of us. My husband gives me 30,000/month for food, toilet tissues & some stuffs. I spend it wisely & i am very thrifty. He pays for the bills & other stuffs and since he owns the place we don't pay for the rent. One time we went to shop in Tokyu hands so i get myself a hair mouse which is not available at the supermarkets where i used to shop for food. I noticed my husband's facial expression when i put it in the basket & asked me what is it? Anyway, the cost is only 1,300. I was so ashamed with myself. My husband is not that stingy & he buys stuffs for himself, expensive than that. He didn't talk when we were in the car. My question is this,Is it rude that i let him pay for my personal stuff? I thanked him when we reached home & asked if there's any problem but he told me nothing. I am bothered because i don't want to offend him in any way. I don't want to ask him extra money for my personal stuffs either.Though have no fancy of expensive things but lotion & shampoo are basic essentials to me. I asked him if i could work as a waitress in a bar since i got a call from a friend who owns the bar but he won't allow me. They won't hire me to work as a teacher since i am not an english native speaker. So, in short i do some cleaning and babysittings which are not regular jobs & i used the small money that i earn for additional food budget. I wanted to please him & i don't want him to be mad at me especially w/ regards to money. I am a very independent person but cultural differences is getting hard on me. Thanks!
by married to a japanese  

Re: My japanese husband 2004/9/29 14:21
Wow, what a tight *@&%...
Are you familiar with the traditional Japanese arrangement in which the husband hands over his entire pay cheque (or bank book) to his wife and receives a small monthly allowance from her? Maybe you should remind your husband about how things are normally done in Japan. ;-)
I can't really offer any helpful advice on how you should go about improving the situation, but you should know that legally the husband's income belongs to everyone in the family - even for small "luxuries" like hair mousse.
by Dave in Saitama rate this post as useful

Good luck on the long years to come 2004/9/29 15:22
I agree with Dave. I wouldn't be surprised if your situation is acknowledged as domestic abuse.

But I guess it is normal to have financial misunderstandings in marriage, especially when you've been together for only a few months.

In any case, I suppose it would be most fair, AND NORMAL, if you both make notes of all your incomes and expenditures. If he doesn't have the luxury to spend money on _his_ mousse, it makes sense to not pay for yours.

And if your budget is so tight that neither of you can spend money on grooming, then your husband should cooperate so that you can get enough education to be qualified for better jobs, or should ask around if anyone can offer you safer jobs than to work at a bar.

Also, I hope you have contact with local Japanese friends. Talk to your neighbors, or ask the ward office to see if there are any hobby groups that require small or no fee. Information is very important, especially for us wives.
by Uco rate this post as useful

I'd just like to add that.... 2004/9/29 15:29
it's not that unusual for young couples to live on 30,000/month for food, toilet tissues & some stuffs.

Also it's not unusual to have Japanese husbands who are more understanding.

Anyway, I hope he's cutting down on his electricity bills or his lunch money if he can only give you that much. Even traditionally speaking, if you're doing the cooking and cleaning for him, he has the duty to support you.
by Uco rate this post as useful

Re: 2004/9/29 15:40
I read your description, and was surprised a little.
It may not be a matter which should be judged by others, since there are various lifestyles of married couples.
But, at least, I think that he should appreciate your trying.
What let to him pay is a matter of course, because even many husbands(like me) who get pocket money from the wife, with our tears of gratitude(a pack of lies : no shed tears!!!) buy something for themselves.
by OJT rate this post as useful

es 2004/9/29 23:01
i think the matter you described here is not so serious.
but still you have to make sure your husband to understand the following:
1. you are women, so you should not need to describe everything to your husband.
2. no matter whether you are earning money or not, and if your family budget is combined, you should have a same access to your money.
3. be careful when you please your husband. because when you do it so too much, it will sound like you have made a wrong decision when you bought this cheap stuff.
4. be cool and try to be independent. no let him to control you over because of money.
by es rate this post as useful

My gratefulness to Uco, Dave & OJT 2004/9/29 23:11
I am very grateful to all your comments & suggestions Glad to receive lots of answers from you. Maybe i will try to talk to him but right now he is so busy with his work. And i don't want to bother him. Maybe if he has the time. We never had the time to make love since we got married last year, is it ok also? I don't want to force him, i can see that he is always tired with his work. Again, thank you very much for the time spent in answering my querries. I don't speak japanese our medium of communication is english & he is 13 years older than me but he looks young & he is really gorgeous & always polite. That's what i love in him.
by married to a japanese rate this post as useful

Thanks also to es.. 2004/9/29 23:32
Just got to read your post. Yeah, mine is not a really serious problem but just asking. Anyway, thanks for your comment and suggestions. I will try it but i can't help it especially when i see him, my knees quivers & hope you all guys will understand that i just love the guy no matter what. If only we both have the same language & culture it will never be difficult for us but who will never know? In my country the-same-culture- marriage and yet divorce is rampant. Call me naive but i just simply love him. We have been dating for 4 years now to be exact & just got married last year and even till now i still adore him. That is the reason why i am asking because i always wanted to please him & i don't want him to be mad at me. When we were dating, I had my job & received my own salary so i don't ask him to pay for this & that. But this time is different, he won't allow me to work here in japan w/ the kind of job that will accept me for the qualifications that i had as of the moment. Anyway, thank you sooo much. Your ideas are greatly appreciated, my apologies for the novel-length explanation.
by married to a japanese rate this post as useful

answering your other question 2004/9/30 01:24
This is just to answer your other question.

"We never had the time to make love since we got married last year, is it ok also?"

Of course it is okay as long as both of you think it's okay. Why not. But it isn't something normally expected. It is a common "problem" in today's Japanese society. Doctors can state it as "sexless" and you can consult for a cure. It's that kind of a deal.

Anyway, it's great that you love him no matter what. But you do seem to be a little bit stressed by your relationship (otherwise, you wouldn't be posting), and I hope that I'm wrong by saying that, in the decades to come, that stress will pile up, and the time will come when "life" becomes more important for you than "love".

Another thing is that I'm concerned about you spoiling your husband. Yes, you are free to spoil him, but be sure you know that to spoil him means to keep allowing everything he is doing to you.

I'm not saying you should argue with him or be more expressive to him, but maybe you should ask him to set a date for you two to discuss about your daily life. Or perhaps you can communicate using a notebook or email, which is what I do with my husband who is never at home.

In any case, too much over-work is not healthy for him. I know people who died from those things.

Btw, I personally don't think that international marriages necessarily have more cultural gaps than marriages between same nationalities. I've got a whole bunch of cultural differences between my husband and me, just because we grew up in a different family in Japan.

But anyway, there are many free language lessons provided by non-profitable groups. Just ask at your local ward office or city hall.
by Uco rate this post as useful

What I'm saying is that... 2004/9/30 01:31
you say you don't want him to be mad at you (which I understand very much).

IF he happens to be mad, or a little frustrated at you because of your hair mousse etc., maybe it's a good idea to tell him gently and specfically that you are not necessarily wasting his money, but you are working hard to save it.

That way, he will have no misunderstandings, and will be happier about your presense and the life you are sharing with him.

Sorry for MY novel-length posts :)
by Uco rate this post as useful

To Uco, my endless gratitude 2004/9/30 05:06
Thank you very much i will inquire about the free language lesson & i will study japanese. Your advise is a great relief to me. Hope you will always be in good health and blessed with so much love. Wish you happiness in life! Thank you so much!
by married to a japanese rate this post as useful

Look out for yourself too... 2005/4/13 11:04
Remember that you have feelings too, it goes both ways. I'm not used to the Japanese culture that is causing you such hardship, but you I would think your husband should understand that you have a culture of your own too. I'm from the US and what you are describing borders on mental abuse. If you plan on having any kids, make sure you are in a relationship that is making YOU happy. The "no time for sex" or to talk with you is a big warning by US standards, but our cultures are different. Use your heart AND mind. Good luck.
by Joe rate this post as useful

Its not fair for you 2005/4/17 02:22
I empathize with your situation.Be strong, find ways ways to improve yourself as a person dont ask for permission to be yourself Stay confident and please dont second guess yourself.
by cassie rate this post as useful

thanx so much for joe and cassie 2005/7/2 03:06
sorry kinda late. thank u so much for the advices that u gave me. i am chinese-american but not very good in english though. i am now trying to study japanese and thank heavens we are now doing just fine. thanks for all the response ne.
by by married to a japanese rate this post as useful

children 2005/7/2 12:28
im a man married to a japanese woman. this is my second. i had one daughter by my first and my daughter was born in the u.s. she was taken from me, i even had a visitation contract drawn up by my lawyer. the police said its a family affair, go back to america and forget your daughter you f-ing alien.
my second wife has now kidnapped my second daughter we had here and is in hiding. in japan this is legal, the courts and the police have no power except to protect their own. please check CHILDRENS RIGHTS NETWORK JAPAN hundreds of children are abducted to japan yearly and also domestic kidnapping is very popular lately and totally legal. japan has not signed on to the human rights treaty. PLEASE CHECK the web site listed above before having children. i have been here 11 years and have my own buisness and am a great father, my children love me but have been brainwashed into being afraid. its obvious you dont know much about japanese society... BE CAREFUL !! they are skin deep and will turn on you in a second. much of this is due to their lack of any kind of god with rules to live by.
if you have any serious problems. you can contact me at myenglishclass@msn.com

good luck
by travis lear rate this post as useful

... 2005/7/3 13:43
One says it is the abduction and another says it is the right protection. After all, however, each parent has to follow the legal order from the court, whether she/he thinks how she/he is. It is the basis of the law-governing state.

Hope the children will be raised in good circumstances so as to be good parents to their children in the future.
by ... rate this post as useful

to, a married to Japanese.. 2005/7/5 10:34
I am also married to a Japanese. And beleive me international marriages are not normal, I mean it needs more effort for communication, understanding, love, sex, food and what not.... And the communication is most important in married life with partner. And unfortunately Japanese do not communicate much, you need to make them and also make them habitual to express feelings. And you are specail as you are not only married to japanese man (they do not express/open up much) but also who is younger to you. So there is also generation gap there upon your international marriage. Because 13 year is too much and specially in sexual life, do not give hima feeling of mother or you are older. Be try like him understand his needs. I think he is stress after maraiage. But after marriage there may be people who talk with him, have his own world... You said that you used to work and earn good money before marriage. The responsibility before marriage and after is very different. Now he may be feeling much burden on financial side and working hard. May be some office problem.
I would suggest you to be kam, take care of him, appeal him, be sexy, love him and do whaever you can.
Buying such small things should not be issue... but there is something behind it. I can not guess as I do not know your history and life style of both.
But love makes everything perfect.
But keep in mind both of you your marriage is special and need more attention.
One my my good Japanese friend divorced with her husband who was younger to her and living with another young girl. BTW she hardly had any sex life with him after marriage.... both Japanese. I think to be attractive and sexy with loving does matter in such cases. I tell you my friend is very polite and loving. But I can imagine that younger husband's expectation otward's her. which she could not satisfied. Please take care and good luck. There is no pleasure like marriage and good life partner. Never think of divorce but think how you can hold it.
by (Man) Married to Japanese rate this post as useful

(Man) 2005/7/5 12:20
(Man), she said her husband is older than she is, not younger.
by watagei rate this post as useful

Thrifty 2005/7/5 14:36
I don't even give my wife that! We do it on a give when needed basis. She has a part time job and keeps her money and tries to help me when she can.

Some people say I should do it the the "Japanese way" Why the hell should I? Who is to say a woman "must" be the home finance manager. Its best left to those who do it best.

Eight months time I shall be retiring "seven years early" and getting out of this hole to a cottage by the sea.
by Thrifty rate this post as useful

... 2005/7/5 16:45
I dunno how true this is, but I read abt this in an article.

It says the reason why Japanese men seem uninterested in sex with their wives is that once they get married, they tend to view the wife as a mother/sister, someone close to them whom sex becomes incestrous.

And it IS true that Japanese men spend such long hours at work that when they get home (if they do at all, some stay overnight in the office to demonstrate their wholehearted commitment to their companies) they are too deadbeat to do anything.

Many young Japanese women dont like that, one of the reasons they are delaying marriage.
by Annette rate this post as useful

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