long distance relationship

In my honest opinion you might as well sever ties with your lady friend when you are away. I know how you feel about wanting to do the nasty, I left my girl a month ago and I am ready to go at it again. But because I am totally in love with her I have absolutely no interest in any other girl. I havent even thought of it. Now I dont know how long we will be away from each other, I might be in the wrong but if feel that waiting for my girl in Japan is more worthwhile than meeting a hoochie and hooking up without any purpose. I am in the same league as you, there is nothing guaranteeing me to see my girl again but I have hope that I can and with that I will keep on playing with myself until I see her again.

Hello,

I really need some advice on a problem I have. I have a penpal who is living in Japan. We have been in contact with each other for over 3 years. I really love her.

We have met each other three times so far. We recently met over the summer of this year. She has already told me that she will be back again next year.

I know she is very busy working long hours. When we met a few months ago, she told me that her parents would like to meet me and if I have time to please come to Japan.

It wasn't until she went back to Japan that I realized that I really missed her. Before we met the first time, I told her that I was starting to have stronger feelings for her. She told me that she wanted to us to be best friends and that she was not looking for a more serious relationship.

I know that there are other places she would like to visit for her vacation. I am very happy that she seems to want to come back to my city.

I really would like to meet her family, but I am not 100% sure if she is just being polite or if she really means it. I think that if she did not mean it, then she would not say anything about it.

She was only able to stay for 4 days on this recent visit. It was a wonderful 4 days. It was very emotional for her when it was time to go to the airport. I told her that we will meet again next year and that someday we can stay together for a long time. She seemed to be happy at that.

I recently sent her an email and I suggested how she would feel about one day coming here and staying here permanately. Now I have not heard from her in about 1 1/2 weeks. I am just concerned that it may have been because of my email that I have not heard from her.

It could be that she has been busy at work. I have some questions that I hope I can get other people's opinions on.

1) Is it alright to ask about her feelings towards me? If she still thinks of me as a best friend, then I need to understand that. Since we have met and spent time with each other then I think she might have a better idea of how she feels.

If she already has a boyfriend in Japan, would she still come here to visit me? She always videotapes our time together to show her family. She is in her mid-twenties. I am not sure how the younger generation feels about that. I don't think I would be too happy if my girlfriend went on a vacation to meet another guy.

Earlier this year she wrote to me and told me that if she doesn't send me an email or message that I am always in her heart. She always sends my mother a present for Mother's Day and she always wants to visit my mother whenever she comes here.

I am just not sure how to handle this situation. I don't want to lose her, but I believe that friendship is very important in any relationship. Thank you very much. Take care!

My girlfriend of over 3 years just left last month to Japan, and she already cheated on me then finally said she no longer wanted me in her life, so I wish you all the luck because we were planning a long future together when she got back in a year upto and including marriage. Well I hope what has happened to me won't happen to you. I wouldn't wish this on me enemies, so good luck, be strong, and most importantly communicate as much as possible.

Hey Matt, sorry to hear that. That is what I'm afraid of too. I'm okay with her (or me) having casual flings, as long as everything is safe and no attachments are made, but these things don't really work like that always, do they? Its all so unpredicatable!

Why did you guys just fall apart so quickly after 3 years? Was it the lack of communication, or did things seem like they were going down hill before she left? Did you say something that scared her off? I find that with IM conversations, I can't quite read or gauge her reactions like I could in person, so I can't tell if I said something wrong or not, and that is really scary.

First to J-Grad. Maybe it is better is you are able to talk with her on the phone. I usually use a phone card. Unfortunately, we hardly talk with each other like in the beginning. It's an idea anyhow. I agree with Matt. It is very important to keep the lines of communication open. My problem is that if I ask her about it, she will tell me that she is shocked that I don't trust her. Really...if I did not trust her, then what is the point of asking her anything.

To Matt. I am sorry about how things worked out. How long did she stay in your country? Was it like my situation where she would come every year for a vacation?

I opened up my MSN messenger and went to the options and right clicked on her name. It show the delete option as being available. I had heard that if your contact deletes you then that option will be available. I am not sure if that is 100% true. I sent an email to her hotmail address to see if it would bounce back. So far it didn't come back as undeliverable.

I wish the both of you the very best in your futures. I hope you will both find much happiness.

Everything was perfect, and she just decided that she would rather be alone in Japan, and she didn't want any to hold her back while being there. So I flew to Japan to have her tell me to my face because I just could let her break off such a great a long realtionship over the phone or in an email. We actually talked about marriage when she got back but after a few weeks there she acted as if she forget everything we planned. Oh well, life goes on. Good luck to all that are trying to make it work, and I am jealous of those how have already made it work. Peace.

Yeah, had something along those lines a long time ago (5 years, and then poof). It hurt like hell, and I wasn't myself for a while. You'll find yourself another girl, or maybe your new ex will come to her senses. Good luck, dude!

Hi Dave,

I think in my sitation not everything was perfect, because me and my girl went on vacation here in germany. I don't know why but our plans what we wanted to do never come into her mind aggain. So we even spend 2 days seperated from each other. We always followed her damn guide book, and got into fights when there was something wrong in it. I'm German and i must know when the Berlin wall was taken down, and it wasn't 1996!!!!

And the day she left to go back to the Usa, she went away without saying a word. I went to the toilett and she left. I tried to find her, but it was only my third time at the airport and i found the right place to late.

After it i wrote the longest mail i ever had(needed 6 days, will send it this noon). Unlucky i can'T fly to the usa, because i don't have the money and college is starting with important tests on monday.

cu Fatality

Hi, I just came to read the discussion while browsing this site for some distraction.. actually I'm sort of in the same situation like you are, only it is me being the girl having returned to europe just two weeks ago. I am very very sad right now as well, although I manage to keep contact with my bf 3 or 4 times a week.

It shows me how serious he is about our relation because he really is very busy, often going to other countries for some time to work (he is in his end twens, I'm in the middle). At the moment I prepare to go to japan next year for some longer period as ryuugakusei, but the 7 months until then seem so unbearably long.
Hm , I guess I should not complain to much seeing what even more difficult situations most other people here are in, but I just wondered how to deal with this first time of separation, it really gets into me. I'm still a mess.

It would comfort me to hear that things may work out good for you. However, I wish you and everyone here all the best!

hi orchid ... you are great to have survive the 7 years LDR. i cant imagine myself being in the LDR for 7 years. my case is similar to yours, all the worries that you have mentioned is exactly what i am worrying about. probably because we come from neighbouring country so our mind is somewhat similar. by the way i am from malaysia. the only different is that i have already decide long time ago that i will be going to japan and live with him. every body tell me this is High risk that i am taking, because i have to leave behind my mother (alone), which i sometimes cant tolerate the guilt when i thought of this.
i have been with my japanese boyfriend more than a year and last september he went back to japan for good. i went back together with him to visit his parents and all their relatives.
i got very bad response from his relatives, which makes me cry upon hearing what they are talking about me as a gaijin. i can speak quite fluent japanese as i have been working with japanese and studying japanese over the last 7 years.
the first 2 weeks after separation was hell. he is a much reserve person where he will not tell you "i miss you" and sort of caring words (which i know from start). sometimes i feel doubt whether he really have me in mind? is very rare & difficult to get him to say i miss you.. i care for you. sometimes i feel not appreciated by him. i have discussed this issue with him many times and we ended up with arguement everytime. is arguement in the beginning of LDR normal? he is also very ppor in expressing himself, not because of the language barrier because we communicate in japanese so he shouldnt have any problem expressing his feeling. i love him so much that i learn how to cope with the culture different and try to adapt to their way of thinking so much, sometimes i feel so lost.
anyway, is good to know i am not alone

Hi Goldchoc. I totally agree with you. I stumbled upon this webpage and am glad to know that I'm not alone in this LDR with my Japanese boyfriend. Like Orchid, I'm from Singapore too.

My boyfriend and I have been together for close to 5 years. I can't imagine how you felt when you met his folks in Japan. How are things now? For me, I don't even get to see his parents (met only his brother's family). His mum is totally against his marrying a foreigner and is simply not interested to even know what kind of girl I am. I'm sure you know what I mean.

Still, we're hoping to get married next year. I have my fears of course. And sometimes there just isn't anyone you can talk about these things with. People either were sceptical of this relationship right from the start or do share the same experiences to be able to understand understand me. And for some, like mum, I just don't want to make her more worried than she already is.

My post's a little late but I really hope that you girls who are facing the same issues as me are still checking into this forum. Anyway, take care.

to fumi's girl. if you dont mind you can e-mail me at goldchoc@yahoo.com, to exchange opinion in this issue.

It's good to see the thread is still alive. Now I am seperated from my bfrien d for a long time. But we are still in some sort of relationship. (Thats my believe at least ^^) Through the hard times I kept all your honest and helpful advice and comment in my heart.Knowing you out there did help a lot. It is sad to hear that meeeting the family can be so harsh! Maybe it helps to think the other way round? As I had to realize my own family is against my relationship. In stead of support which I really would have needed all they try is to make me forget the whole thing. As I am close to my familiy this came like a shock. I don't want to go against them yet I feel "What about my own life?" Still no problems sorted...But as long as both parts have the will LDR can work I believe. Best wishes to all you girls.

Hi All,

I haven't checked on this thread in a long time and reading some of the posts made me a little sad...

I'm not so sure if I'm in any position to give advice but I think what made it possible for me to decide to move to his county was his willingness to listen to me as far as what it'd take for me to move to where he lives.

Ladies, when a man is absolutely in love with you, there aren't many things he won't be willing to do for you. Sometimes life takes turns that make it impossible for two people to be together at least for a little while but the question is, what is HE doing do bring you two back together?

When you are with the right person, it isn't that hard. You'll both know it's worth everything you put into and you can't even think about giving up because he/she is someone you don't want to live without.

Having said that Amelia, sometimes, your family knows best and they can see things you can't because love often is blind. They might also appreciate that you are willing to listen to their concerns with open heart.

Happy Belated Thanksgiving to everyone.

Hello everyone! I just want to express my happiness at discovering that I'm not the only one in the world with this problem! My long-distance relationship with my Japanese boyfriend has been on the forefront of my mind for a long time now, and it's great to read the stories and advice of people who have been in similar situations :)

My boyfriend and I first met in Taiwan in August 2004. We were both students at a Chinese Language Center there. We began dating in November 2004, but he returned to Japan three months later, and we've been long distance ever since. After leaving Taiwan and spending a month in Japan with my boyfriend and his family, I returned to the US in early October 2005.

The language barrier runs especially deep in our relationship, as he doesn't speak much English, and I can't speak Japanese. We rely on Chinese to communicate, but since Chinese isn't either of our native languages, we sometimes have a hard time explaining ourselves and understanding one another. The fact that we can't discuss things in person (we rely mostly on Internet chatting and webcam to communicate) just complicates things even further. However, my boyfriend and I try our best to express our feelings and understand one another as much as possible given the limitations.

My boyfriend is still a college student; he won't graduate until 2007. Meanwhile, I am working full-time here in the US. Our tentative plan is that after he graduates, I'll move to Japan, and we'll get married and live there for 2-3 years while he works in Japan to acquire some job experience. After the 2-3 years are up, we'll then move to the US together and start a new life there.

When I was abroad, I was so confident in our plan for the future, but now that I'm back home, I'm having a lot of doubts about whether or not I could really give up my job here in the US, not to mention my family and friends, and move to a foreign country where I can't speak the language and can't find a job (aside from being an English teacher). I'd probably end up being an English teacher or maybe a housewife and living with my boyfriend at his parents' house. I know 2-3 years isn't forever, but it's still a pretty big risk to take considering that by the time 2007 rolls around, our time apart will have been about 8X that of the time we've spent physically together. Also, I'm really worried about his job prospects here in the US... it's hard enough finding a job here when you're a native English speaker, let alone a foreigner who knows only basic survival English...

What should I do? I don't want to keep dragging him along when I feel like there's no hope, but at the same time, I don't want to lose him either. He loves me soooo soooo much; he would do anything to make me happy, including uprooting himself and moving to the US permanently to be with me. He is currently taking two English classes in an attempt to improve his English and thus his job prospects in the US, but I'm still worried.

I don't know what to do... should I stick with our plan and try to make it work, or is it best that he and I just go our separate ways? I guess in the end it's only me who can make that decision, but some advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated!!

Sorry for writing such a long entry... I wish you all the best of luck in your relationships and in life! :)

wow, he makes so much effort to be with you, isnt it the best answer to your doubt? living family and friends isnt easy to anybody but if you know this man is worth, go for it, having person that love each other is not easy. for me and b/f we dont even talk on internet, only phone call once a week and short message through mobile. worst still, he doesnt pick up the phone everytime i call, i need to have several attempt to get him to answer the phone. recently i start to doubt whether this can really work out because i dont feel appreciated by him. so i envy you having such a gentle and understanding b/f. iam in LDR only for 3months but i already feel tired of it, not because i cant leave without physical companion, is just that i dont feel he is making enough effort to sustain our LDR. sorry for telling my story instead. i think you should also better start to learn japanese to show your effort and better communication. Guess he will appreciate your effort.

I'm sorry you feel like your boyfriend isn't appreciating you... in a LDR, it's especially important to feel loved and respected by the other person. I've heard that Japanese men often dislike expressing their feelings to the point where they'll actually do the opposite of what they're feeling (e.g. if a Japanese guy secretly has feelings for a girl, he'll pretend that he DOESN'T like her). You mentioned that you often argue with your boyfriend about his lack of effort. What does he say in defense of himself?

I do feel very lucky to be so loved by my boyfriend. Sometimes when I think about breaking up with him, I think about how hard he's been working to sustain our relationship, and then I feel like I would be a fool to give him up. After he had gone back to Japan and I was still in Taiwan, he flew back to Taiwan twice to see me. He's also planning on coming to the US in February 2006 to visit me. I'll probably never find another guy who will be as devoted to me as he is.

I did start learning some Japanese when I was in Japan with his family for a month, but now that I'm back in the US I've forgotten most of it. I should try learning it again though!

Take care, and let me know how things are going!

Though i have much dissatisfaction for the treatment i got from him, i didnt tell him, not wanting an arguement on the phone or dont want to soar the relationship. so i am a bit stress out. i couldnt remember how many times have i try to write to him all my feeling in this 3 months but in the end those letters are still layin in my PC, i didnt send out. I asked myself whether this is the culture thing or it is a difference man and woman? however, i think isnt it just a courtersy/manner that if he is unable to attend to the phone, later he can just send a short mail to me saying the reason but he willjust keep quiet.For this i really dont understand. I mean you will feel tired to call somebody repeatedly but what you get is only a hang up tone or "leave you message" tone. Feel like i am chasing after something. Do you think i am unreasonable?

Very interesting to have read everyones comments here.

I'm currently in a relationship with a japanese girl. She is an exchange student here in Finland. We've been together for 5 months now. But she will be leaving Finland in a month or so. Knowing that we are going to be separated soon is really destroying me inside.

I don't see a long distance relationship working between us for a very long time...Even though I have plans to become an exchange student in Japan, and even though we love each other very much, LDR just is something that doesnt seem to fit our personalities...

After one month, I know i'm not going to be able to see her in person, look at her eyes, touch her hair for the longest time...maybe never, even though I love her so much...it's so painful, much more painful than breaking up. But still I can't break up with her, cause I love her...

I know I will try the LDR, even though I'm almost certain it won't work between us. I know it will work for months....but how can it work for even a year or two years? how can we cherish our love when it's so easy (relatively) to find someone to hold you and love you that lives close to you.

I've never felt like this over a woman. After I met her I havent felt this happy with my life for such a long time...

It's hard to enjoy the last moments we have together, as I know we'll soon have a whole continent between us

How can I see her off at the airport...I know she will cry, I know I will cry, and nothing can be done, the harder I hug her the deeper our pain will become. What a hopeless situation....I have no power over this.

Well..kasi
You sound like you conterdict yourself. You say how much you love her and she loves you. But your personaitlys are such so that it won't work. To me at least it sounds like you are more in love with her then feeling that you will have to abandon her.

If your love is strong enough then belive me. You Can do this. It is hard as heck though. You will hurt everyday. Communicate with her as much as you can (or want) by using letters, emails, Instint Messangers, and telephone. That should be more then enough to help you remeber that warm embrace that you charish soo much.

If your love is strong enough..if the two of you trust each other to be fateful to one another. Then you have nothing to worry about. You will find a way to be together again. You love your special lady right? Well then fight to keep her! This can work. I have been in a long distance relationship for 2 years! Over a year and a few months in a relationship and I just met my girl this winter. It was great! I still miss her like crazy..but I love her enough to wait for her. She loves me enough to wait for me ^_^ Even though we are a little sad everyday since were apart. We still find so much happienss talking on the phone and in emails back and forth.

Talk this over with your girl. Ask how deep her love is for you..and if she would want to even try to love you from far away. Tell her you will come over there to see her. Even if you don't know when just tell her that you will. If you love her enough you'll find a way..^_^