I can’t have Japanese friends..

Language is definitely part of the problem. I didn't have many friends the first 6 months I was in Canada.

I talked to the people in my workplace (a warehouse, as my diplomas weren't accepted in white collar jobs) but they were very basic conversations. I could read fluently and write well enough but speaking is always a problem at first.

When I talk to a newcomer in Canada I have no problem knowing what they are trying to say in a few basic words, but if one has never lived abroad and isn't familiar with foreign languages, it is sheer torture to listen to a foreigner saying one word---long silence--another word--long silence--

Eventually, as I became more and more fluent I met more and more people.
However I learned quickly that the best way to find a romantic friend is NOT TO LOOK FOR ONE.
When people are desperate for love--especially young men--they must give awful vibes that turn people off.

There is also the sad truth that if one is only temporarily in a country (not my case..I intended to stay) people will feel that you aren't serious dating material.

Hi just a bit of advice for you...

alot of japanese have trouble understanding westerners who speak english abit faster than what japanese can understand (if their background in english is basic). Perhaps, it's best you convey yourself in simple words so they can pick what you're trying to say to them. they will never say it in your face that they find you a bit too hard to understand if you keep talking in faster speed than what they're used to.

First off, thanks guys from your great feedback. Sorry for not replying earlier, I had not time during the weekdays.

frog1954, I don't have money to blow, so I usually prefer to hang around and sometimes have a simple lunch or dinner.

yllwsmrf, I meet them either on the internet or Mcdonalds and the like.. Unfortunately, most of them don't will to meet for a second time. My Japanese level is quite okay. I still stumble and struggle but I can conduct a conversation for a good 1 hour +.

Guest007 (guest), I'm not looking for half-Japanese, I don't think it's healthy for me to meet Japanese that are capable of speaking some English. I want somebody who speaks Japanese only.

Vita (guest): Look at my answer to yllwsmrf.

leon0909: I'm planning to stay here at least two years.

takeda's ghost: I was like anybody else. I treat them well and I like to enjoy my time with them through outdoor activities. Nothing unusual I think!?

And thanks everybody for your massive support and sharing your opinions about this. I appreciate that so much.

The only thing that frustrates me is that I try hard and I don't get any yield out of that.

I'll share with you this:

Yesteday, I had this long talk with this lady that works at a phone selling boutique. I just wanted to charge my cell and while that I chatted with her for about (60-70 min - all in Japanese). However, at the end I asked for her contact and she actually hesitated.. since she said "But I can't speak English.."
and I was like 'huh' "Girl, I don't wanna speak with you in English". Guess that she indeed gave me her LINE ID (but I think she was just being polite). I told her if we can meet (sometime on the weekends) and she said that she works on weekends + their blablabla excuses....
I left the shop and returned home.. around night I messaged her and thanked her for her time and she replied "you're welcome". Then She didn't reply to my other message and I was wondering if I should stick and ask her sometime or just give up on her....
I have a feeling that she don't want to meet in person again... (It's hard to read their mind).

Paganbreeze:

I'm sorry to hear that you have trouble finding good friends. I would like to give my 2 cents, but I don't have experience with Japanese people, so it might not apply for them.

I live in Europe and I consider myself quite a easy going person - I can make friends easily, but not all people are considered my friends even though I call them a friend. Some are only for parties, while others are considered friends for dinners or sport etc. Some are friends on which I share everything.
This idea is also applicable in Japan. They are reluctant to reject in real live, because they don't want to embarrass you. So they will hand out email etc, but probably won't respond because it's easy to reject and the chance you meet again is very slim.

I do believe Japanese people or Asian people in general are more suspicious (check the Hofstede culture dimensions) than westerners. So to approach them should also be different.
As for me, if you would ask me, I wouldn't be that aggressive and if I were, then I wouldn't care to be rejected because there are fishes everywhere right? And friendship is mutual, so if they don't act or do some effort, why would you care? Would you like to have such a friend?

Either way, if you act less aggressive, try to create the situation where they want to ask your number instead. Thus be less straight forward on asking their numbers.
E.g. when you see nice lady working on Monday at seven eleven, try to come at least a few times and have small talks and be fun, nice and carefree person. Then if you feel it is right, then ask her mail (not phone number, because that might be too personal) and say if she would like to go to cafe because you want to know her better. If she rejects it, then accept it as gentleman, but don't show regret or grudge - you can say that you are sorry for asking (typical Japanese) and that u understand her but if she would change her mind, then that you're happy to have a drink at another time at another place. The trick here is, that she will think about her action - she sees that you don't regret, thus was the action taken the good one? I know this works on many ladies when I for example go out or meet new people; girls feel satisfied when they reject, but if they see someone who takes it up with pride, they will think twice. It�fs basically reversing the game of playing hard to get. Btw avoid long talks in work atmosphere, because you never know whether they talk because they like you (or like to talk) or that they need to because of their job's position.

Another tip I can give you is create mutual or shared thoughts. You know when someone is comfortable with another right? You can see that both body languages will mimic each other. It's the same when meeting a person. E.g. if you and her are total strangers and you're sitting in the same cabin face to face. If you were happen to try to start a conversation, she might find it weird. Why would this guy talk to me? What does he want? Right? (especially Asians, or Asian women can be suspicious). But the situation can change, I can bet my money that the situation will be less suspicious if the train was happened to break down (delay). Then the shared thoughts is probably 'this train is delaying my appointment ', thus if you start a random conversation about the train, her mind will shift away from that suspicious thoughts.

What to do next, is just to have fun and easy going conversation – create the image of you being not threatening, desperate, but more a fun person to hang out with, a good friend to have. After conversation. initiate something like this - ask if she is familiar with certain place xx (because she works or live there) and you can say that place around that xx is really fun. You don�ft know it, but you wish to explore it and see more of it. Await her reaction – if she is interested, she will be glad to show you around. If she is not interested or maybe she, she won�ft. Then don�ft force the situation, but say that you will go there next week (planned or not, but say it is coincidence) and ask if she want to drop by at café to have a small drink. Now, this is the second chance of her that she can grasp to meet you as potential friend. She can either answer vaguely with yes, which in fact is a no. Or she really wants and then you will be exchanging emails or numbers. This will be based on her deduction of your character on which you have shown during your 10 to 30 minutes of conversation. So when first meet, be easy going, have big confidence and show that you�fre interested in surroundings etc.

This have worked for me many times and if rejected I don�ft feel remorse or anything at all. There are plenty of people you can meet, but only a handful will sync with your personality. Be yourself, have fun in life (besides your good studying etc) and things will come eventually – because people like to hang out with fun and interesting people.

I hope this helps. If you got more things to share, I�fm willing to hear and talk about it :)

Paganbreeze - if you're trying to make friends with service staff in shops in the manner you described, then I am kind of not surprised you're not doing so well.

I am not Japanese, but I am a woman, and I can pretty much confirm based on your info there that no, she doesn't want to hang out with you. Further, you should have picked that up from her attempt to evade your questions about meeting up at weekends.

Honestly, I'd be pretty uncomfortable being hit up for a number by a customer too - it's unfair because you're putting someone in a position where they don't want to be perceived to be rude (as that would be bad for their job) and they have no way of knowing whether you'll react badly to a direct "no".

You need to understand that in retail (and this applies pretty much anywhere in the world), you're paid to be nice to people and chat to them as long as they want. It doesn't mean you also want to have a beer with them after the sale is done, crikey. Sure, you as a customer can ask them, but I'd say 99.9% of the time they're going to either find that undesirable or inappropriate, whether they're male or female, because they don't know you or anything about you - you're merely a stranger that they can't get away from due to circumstance.

However, your remark about "blablabla excuses" has made me conclude that you have no consideration whatever for the woman's feelings or indeed respect for her right to NOT want to hang out with you. No is no, she doesn't owe you anything and you should have the sensitivity to act on your feeling that she was reluctant by leaving it the hell alone, not texting her like a creeper when she clearly isn't interested.

Sorry to be blunt, but in my opinion this is just to do with basic social interaction skills, not to do with your being a Wssterner. Listen to the people in this thread telling you to go join some clubs and societies or do things where you will meet people with whom you have shared interests. That scenario allows friendships to naturally develop, rather than become a situation where you're effectively pressuring someone into something they don't want to do.

Also I'm going to call a blunt shenanigans on this " I don't think it's healthy for me to meet Japanese that are capable of speaking some English. I want somebody who speaks Japanese only."

You're restricting your social circle on your own there, for no logical reason that I can see. Frankly I don't believe for a second that after only 2 months in Japan you have either the cultural or language knowledge to conduct deep and interesting conversations including in-jokes, puns and cultural references in Japanese 24/7 to the degree that a close friendship would tend to require. And as asked earlier in this thread, if you expect to get better at Japanese by talking to Japanese people, what exactly is wrong with a bit of give and take where you have friends in Japan who are learning English and want to get better at it by speaking to Westerners? Seems to me like that's a shared interest which costs nothing right there, and as friends you can ask each other "we will speak only Japanese today" or "only English today" and learn and laugh with each other about all manner of things in that way. It would be much easier for you to learn from someone who has the English to explain the kind of language usage in casual conversation that you can't learn in class - and that's exactly the kind of thing that will help you be an interesting conversationalist later with those who only speak Japanese. And likewise in the other direction for the learner of English. I see no negatives whatever for you, in fact.

Social interaction is all about give and take. At the moment, based on things you have said here, you seem to expect to be doing a lot of taking and dictating terms, and very little giving or being considerate of other people. And while I don't know where you're from, I can tell you that in most cultures that's not going to fly well, to be honest.

You've had a lot of good advice here, and you should really give it some serious thought instead of dismissing it out of hand. Clearly what you're doing now isn't working for you at all, so just saying "that wouldn't be good for me" or "that won't work" or "that isn't the problem" in response to people is not logical or useful to yourself. Try some of it, see if it works - because maybe they're speaking from experience, and what have you got to lose anyway?

I totally agree with M. I'm a Japanese woman, if that makes a difference.

Anyway, I thought you said you are also talking about same-gender friends, but to me the incident with the phone lady sounds like a typical come-on.

You also say that you are trying to get to know strangers at the likes of the internet or fast food restaurants. Of course, they won't meet you for the second time. You are a stranger to them.

I've been to about 20 countries and in every one of them, people especially females grow up being told not to go out with those you barely know.

Again, an ideal way to make friends, in my humble opinion, is written on my post as of 2013/1/14 17:49. You can also go to church to make friends.

Agreed that talking to people in shops like that isn't going to work. Its their job to talk to and be friendly with customers. They can't escape even if they want to. Or on the other side of the scale they just like talking to a random person as it breaks up their work day and makes things more interesting. It means nothing.
Equally just talking to girls in McDonalds is weird. That's not an acceptable place to approach strangers.
Your best bet is pubs that play the kind of music you like, or club events; join a basketball (or whatever is your thing) club or something like that. Festivals are good places to get talking to random people I find too.

Number one advice- don't just gun straight for the hot girls. Learn to walk before you run. Be friendly with men and women, ugly and pretty.

When I read your post about the young lady in the store, my first reaction was: this guy is clueless. He doesn't know how to interact with people. Asking the e-mail or phone number of a staff in a store one has just seen for the first time is totally creepy! then you made it worse by contacting her soon after!

I agree too that there is no way you can be fluent in a language after a few months. There is a difference between reading fluently and speaking fluently..especially because of idioms and all sorts of things that one uses in a conversation but aren't in books.

One thing I did after I moved to Canada was talking to a guy in my language while he talked in English. Then we would switch. They were basic conversations...

Forget about dating girls for a few months, you are obviously not able to understand them. I bet you have trouble with girls in your own country too!
Concentrate on taking to Japanese guys that speak some English.

If your tactic is to approach random women in McDonalds or try to get their information while they are at work, it's no wonder you're not able to make any real friendships. To me, the example of the shop girl shows that you don't understand when women are trying to set boundaries and politely turn you down- many women will not flat out say no because men sometimes react badly (especially at work, where she doesn't want to upset a customer), but things like "I don't speak English/I'm busy" are clear indicators of not wanting to pursue interactions with you. If a guy can't take a hint and keeps insisting on trying to get my information, it makes me want to interact with him even less because he has already shown he doesn't care about my feelings or respect me.

Meeting people on the internet is better, since you can find common interests beforehand, but when you meet in person for the first time remember, you are still almost strangers and have to be careful to read your partner's mood.

I agree with other posters that you're making a mistake by discounting all the Japanese who speak some English. People interested in other cultures or who have experience abroad are more likely to know the pitfalls of cross-cultural friendships and be more forgiving of things that would turn off a monocultural person (I know English knowledge does not necessarily mean an international outlook, but it is more likely). Common interests and outlooks are the key to making friends, so focus on finding people who share those.

Also, are you working to make fellow foreign friends in Japan? I have been here a long time and love my Japanese friends, but it's also great to have a circle of ex-pat friends to support you through the shared experiences of living here as a foreigner.

I totally agree with Vita re making friends with ex-pats. One more thing: very few women will ever want to give their phone number, e-mail or meet a man if they don't know him from some other social situations, just as in your case when you asked a service girl for a phone number or a stranger at McDonald's. It's very unpleasant, embarrassing, and seems creepy. Sorry, but that's how most women feel, age doesn't make much difference here.

I will post again in this thread...

Here is the short answer to your statement "I can't have Japanese friends": You are incorrect. Yes, you can have Japanese friends.

Change your mind and change your life.

OK, here's my penny's worth:) Maybe they (the girls) are actually interested in pursuing something romantic with you - let's face it, unless you;re totally fluent, it might be hard engaging in normal conversational topics among friends....soooo, when they find out you just want to be mates, they're gone. Just a thought. What is it they say: a woman will forgive you for trying to kiss her when she doesn't want it, but she'll never forgive you if she wants you to kiss her and you don't.

Good luck and don't let it get you down :)

I can really relate to what you are saying. I am a native Londoner and I have met with so many Japanese people for language/culture exchange here in UK.
While they all behave extremely friendly at first, after a while, majority of them tend to simply break off contact completely and no longer reply to any of your messages. I don't know why they do this, I speak to them very politely and like to think I am friendly. So I don't think I have offended them in any way.

And I have heard this is the case from others too, so I don't think it's you. This being said, I have met some great people too who have kept in contact (somewhat at least).

Hope things improve for you.

I think becoming friends with Japanese is tough. I can't tell the difference between general kindness and cultural expectation. As an American, I'm a bit more open...seems some are the opposite.

Is it just me or do others feel the same?

I have a few good japanese friends. We mostly speak in English because my japanese sucks. But, I don't need a million japanese friends to be happy... the few ones that I have are plenty enough. Sure, some of the exchange students tend to get freaked out when I ask them after only seeing them once if they'd like to hang out, so they never respond instead of saying no. On the other hand, some students are more than happy to make american friends and they make time in their schedules to meet you. Just be yourself. Don't change yourself in any way to appease others. Of course, 80% of my japanese friends are female because I'm female, but I have a couple of good guy friends too. I am kinda nervous about meeting native Japanese next spring... my japanese still sucks :(.

I know its difficult to make japanese friends here. Ive been living in tokyo for about 4 months and i dont have any close japanese friends, and its driving me nuts and its very heartbreaking because i love speaking japanese. I have about 3 japanese friends that i still stay in contact with but even then its hard. In my case, they just add you on facebook and dont really talk to you again. And im not the only one out of my friends feeling this. Ive considered looking for a host family but even then, its wayy too expensive or they want you because you speak english.

I guess that yeah you just have to stop trying so hard. Because you mighy come across as desperate or creepy. I just think its best to let it flow, and maybe meet some foreigners as well. Because really, i dont want to be, rude here, but its hard breaking that barrier between foreigners and japanese. Ive tried so hard, and im a relatively outgoing confident person. But living here has also just changed me and you just have to accept that its like this.

the younger culture of japan usually will not have time to socialize because they are goal oriented. its better to hang out with the older crowd they are far more interested in long conversations and friendship.

I know its difficult to make japanese friends here. Ive been living in tokyo for about 4 months and i dont have any close japanese friends, and its driving me nuts and its very heartbreaking because i love speaking japanese. I have about 3 japanese friends that i still stay in contact with but even then its hard. In my case, they just add you on facebook and dont really talk to you again. And im not the only one out of my friends feeling this. Ive considered looking for a host family but even then, its wayy too expensive or they want you because you speak english.

I guess that yeah you just have to stop trying so hard. Because you mighy come across as desperate or creepy. I just think its best to let it flow, and maybe meet some foreigners as well. Because really, i dont want to be, rude here, but its hard breaking that barrier between foreigners and japanese. Ive tried so hard, and im a relatively outgoing confident person. But living here has also just changed me and you just have to accept that its like this.

Oh dear
Iam Japanese girl and studied abroad like you. So I understand your feeling.
There is some possibilities:

1.Most Japanese are worried about their English skill even if you speak Japanese.
we are not get used to talk with kinda foreigners cos nationaity and immigrants are not that many here.

2.In case of girls, they try to border line if they feel that you look at her as girlfriend or they are not interested in you as bf if the girl meets up with you to look for bf.

These thing happens to not only foreigners but also to Japanese man too, you know.

Just language barrier makes it worse.

So think about how to make friends in your country.
Can you be friends with anyone anytime in ur country? You know the answer.
It is case by case.

I recommend you to try make friends through ur hobby or interest and to hang out with group.
Friends having the same hobby is good to play together and share the knowledge :)
In case of group, kinda stress will decrease cos you dont need to talk with one person.

And you should make friends with not only Japanese but also foreingers. They may know lots of Japanese and hold party which Japanese come a lot.

In my case, my best friends in UK was Korean who cannot speak Japanese.
But we have same hobby and worry:)
And I gotta lots British friends who study Japanese. We are interested in each language, but we are not friends for just language:) I enjoyed lots of party:) Language is kinda'the same hobby':)

Oh one more thing, I recommend you homestay (having child around your age) or share house:), if you can afford to do so. It helped me a lot.

I hope you enjoy your stay in Japan!