Japanese bf, time, asking questions

Hi!
I thought of adding this on to the 'Japanese boyfriend won't discuss problems' thread, but I think my situation/question is actually quite different.

My Boyfriend and I have been dating for almost three years now. I love him a lot and he professes to love me too.

However, again and again we have minor spats about me asking many questions and his time commitment issues.

Recently, as I hope that we become more serious, it has become more of an issue for me.

He does not like me to ask him any questions at all, about anything. If I do, he instantly clams up and becomes angry. Even if I ask the smallest questions, like 'can we meet on Saturday?' or 'what did you do today?' or 'When can we see each other again?'

He tells me that Japanese don't ask these sort of questions and that it is rude. For me, it is absolutely natural to ask these questions and I am being uncaring and rude if I don't.

Is it really rude to ask these questions? Especially if he isn't the kind to volunteer the information?

He also frequently, recently, will only email me 'Good Morning' in the am and then not say anything to me the rest of the day. This would not be much of an issue, but because of our work/living situation, I only get to see him in person for a couple of hours once or twice a week.

He doesn't seem to have a problem with it and doesn't understand why I do. I need to have communication with him and to talk about what is happening in our lives. Is that not normal?

He has said in the past that he will send me longer emails during the week, but it has been six months now and the situation hasn't changed.

I also want to bring up our relationship and talk about the future, but every time I begin to ask questions to open a dialogue, he immediately shuts me down. How do Japanese couples talk about the future, if they don't ask questions? how can I talk to him about our relationship and future without him getting upset or thinking that I am attacking him?

He recently accepted a job that will take him even further away from where I live (and where he lives, but we don't live together). I am worried that we will see even less of each other, and his commute will be longer, and the working hours longer (i think). I am worried that we really won't communicate then because he will be more tired and less like to send me an email.

how can I communicate this to him without making him upset? How can I help him understand how I feel?

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and please give me some helpful advice!

By the way we are both in our late twenties, if that helps.

I think it's a character thing rather than a "Japanese" thing. Just go with being expressing yourself. Tell him what you feel and you think a certain communication is crucial for you guys relationship. I think it's a little selfish excuse that anyone uses the "I'm (Japanese, American, panda, etc) don't do this, don't do that " type of thing. I maybe wrong, but hey, it's how I felt. If someone is willing to adjust to their significant other culture/habbit/etc, i think the other partner at least try to make an effort to do the same. Let him know, of course. See what he does.
I asked my boyfreind the type of questions you asked and he is answered them just fine and text me a mixed of short long messages depending on how busy he is at work. He said probably a person character because not all Japanese are like that. (he's also Japanese, and reading this with me because he's bored)
Anyway, good luck to you.

Spats are not minor when you are trying to talk about spending more time together, or your future when you see each other so infrequently. I'm under the impression that you're nice to have around... and that's it. It doesn't sound like he sees a future with you at all, sadly. :(

I think it's important for you to think about what you expect in a loving relationship. This sounds like a pretty serious issue you two are facing.

I don't know anything about the two of you, so I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think you need to accept the fact that you won't be able to change your bf. Only he can change for you. From what you say, it seems like he expects you to adapt to his ways without making even the slightest effort to make sure you're happy in this relationship. This is a red flag. The situation is probably not going to improve, as he's not even willing to talk about everyday stuff, let alone problems.

Women in love are often prone to overlook displays of bad behavior in their partners while being good at adapting to situations that are actually pretty bad. Being able to communicate with your partner is not an extra in a relationship. It's essential! This is not a matter of nationality. Japanese or not, if you're not allowed to ask your bf any questions and he doesn't talk himself, what kind of relationhsip do you two even have? Can you imagine to marry someone who doesn't make you a priority in his life, who treats you like a random stranger on the subway?

I've dated Japanese guys before and am now married to one. This behavior is not normal! It just means that he's probably not as much into you as you are into him.

Try to take a step back and look at your relationship from the outside. Your gut feeling is telling you, something is not right. Don't ignore it. Don't be blinded by love. Often you only realize how bad a relationship really was, after you get out of it. I wish you all the best.

Hi,

Sorry to hear about your situation. I have been with my Japanese partner for 4 years now and I can tell thats not normal, we are very open with each other and I can ask him anything I want so I think unfortunately that might be your boyfriends personality. I don't think there is much you can do about it, either accept or move on to next one.

I think he is refusing to think about the future relationship between you and him.

He shuts you down before you could even ask about you guys future? And has been with you for over three years, it doesn't seems like he sees any at this time. Try bringing it up next time you see him. Lets say during dinner, movies, cuddling, or etc. Hopefully, something comes up so you can be sure that at least he sees you in his future. If someone doesn't see any future with you, I don't know how anyone can take it and continue with a relationship like that .

Hi!
Thanks for your replies.

I have been really struggling with this the last few days. I don't want to start a fight unnecessarily with him. But, I really want to be open about what I'm feeling and understand what he is feeling.

He has told me in the past that he is serious about me and loves me and wants to be with me. He has been to my home country and met my family on several occasions. We have taken several trips together and travelled quite a bit as well. Our relationship in bed is really great as well. He has a lot going for him and can be a caring guy.

We just have a problem when it comes to time and communication.

Would it be wrong/rude/inappropriate to ask him what he thinks is important in a happy relationship? would that be attacking in any way? how would I ask in Japanese?
is: 幸せな関係のために必要な何？ok?
And let a conversation go from there?

how can I ask where he sees our relationship going in the future without seeming needy/overbearing/rude?
Is there a way to phrase it or say it in Japanese without being too direct?

Sorry, maybe I'm better off asking these questions in the 'language' section.... but any advise/help you can give would be great at this point. I don't want to come across as insecure, but I am insecure in our relationship at the moment because I have tried my best to communicate with him and understand him, but I feel like a hit a brick wall every time. But, Im not ready to give up just yet.

Thank you!

pikapika

Of course you can ask him those questions, in a normal relationship you should have the right asking him any questions and feeling comfortable. Why should you feel the pressure and ask permission to ask something like that?

Its not right or normal. Sorry to be hard here but this just don't feel normal to me. He should be apologising to you for not being honest, open and kind to you. I don't see you doing anything wrong, no matter where he comes from. In a good, healthy relationship you should be communicating, open and honest with each other.

Can I ask you where are you from originally?

pikapika,

I guess this might be a character thing, or expectations issue - in that sense there is a bit of generalization here (while I hate to generalize about "Japanese" thing, there is somewhat of a "typical" Japanese male thinking).

If he has said that he is serious with you, and if he means it, he is willing to spend his whole life with you. Here is where the differences start:
(1) he might be thinking, "I'm committed to you, so what more can you ask for? I'll be with you, that's what relationship means to me."
(2) you are thinking, well, you want the two of you to be communicating more, that's what relationships are all about, right?"

釣った魚に餌はやらない
A man won't feed bait to a fish he's caught.

He doesn't take care of his girlfriend much once he started dating. He stops being nice to her.

sorry, some of Japanese guys play like that.

Pikapika- I wonder where you are from and where you two now live (Country). It does not seem normal or good for him to avoid talking about the future at the age of late 20's which is near a time to think of marriage. You both live separately which is good but maybe you should be less available. Sometimes a guy can feel overwhelmed by the girlfriend and sometimes the guy is questioning maybe there is someone who would be more appealing to him. If he is just feeling overwhelmed, then back off a bit and make him message you. Sometimes a man wants someone who is not so easy to get.

Even after meeting my former fiance's father and planning our wedding, he was talking with other girls in another country (mostly teenage Thai girls which he has a fetish for, I now know) and doing sexual things with some of them online with webcam. At 30 years old he wanted to have a 15 year old girl while still marrying someone over 20. I found this just before we were supposed to marry and we broke up. I am now happily married and our courtship was more normal with talk of the future and many questions and answers as a couple.I think your guy is strange to not want to talk of the future if he really wants a future with you. Be careful.