Children and good table manners

How do Japanese parents get their toddler children to sit nicely at mealtimes if traditionally in Japanese homes, low tables are used without restraints like (very high) high chairs, since toddlers can still climb out of the low ones? I am amazed by the good table manners that the Japanese children have, whether at food courts or at cozy restaurants. In general that is, as I occasionally see rambunctious kids too, but overall, most from what I see on a regular basis, are extremely well behaved.

Interesting. As far as I know, the Japanese tend to be "amazed by the good table manners" that the foreign children have. But I think that there are fair shares of good-mannered children and bad-mannered children in any country.

I don't think there are any tendencies about what "Japanese" parents tend to do in general when it comes to teaching manners. Procedures and ways of thoughts tend to change depending on the generation too, and even depending on the neighborhood.

Well, I've had numerous problems with my now-grown child, but table manners were among the ones I had few problems with. When dining out, I let him be excused from the table as soon as he got tired. Of course, letting toddlers be excused means that a parent needs to be excused with him. Same thing with public transporation. Whenever he started crying, it was getting off at whatever the next stop was. So riding trains was like playing Monopoli: You start all over again whenever you land on a bad spot. I didn't do it as punishment though.

I also made sort of a rule that he can bring one little noise-less toy to a restaurant. I let him play with that only until someone's meal came. Inviting another toddler (quiet) friend (with his/her parent) was helpful too.

I know you're a parent too, so I'm sure you're aware that there are children who cannot sit still no matter how well you educate them. That said, I have seen a looooot of parents in Japan who willingly let their child spread a whole bag of toys on a restaurant table, or parents who say nothing to a child running around, or parents who never tries to take their crying child outside, so I think they could've improved the children's manners a little bit more.

When my child was about 3, the local midwife told us a very good thing at our regular childcare circle meeting. She said that you shouldn't scold a child for something (s)he is too young to handle, but you should keep informing the child.

So whenever my child did something wrong, I kept telling him that that is wrong and suggested an alternative, but I tried not to be angry at him for what he cannot do "yet." For example, a 2 year old cannot sit still for hours yet, so you need to take him out after a while.

I also remember many people (including celebrity moms on childcare magazines) that it's difficult for a child to stop something (s)he is so engaged in. So you need to give a warning like "We're leaving in 10 minutes, so be ready." and then "Okay, now it's 3 more minutes." and so on.

I don't think that all the things I've done were successful. In fact, I owe it to the many strangers who were nice enough to share their thoughts against my child's behavior, softly and sometimes harshly. And strangers were always nice to us too, assisting us and saying that the child is cute or that I am pretty or whatever. Now I'm 53, so I try to be one of those strangers.

I'm sure that all these things are universal to a certain extent. The only unique thing about Japan may be that the system is made so that children can be assisted by the society. For example, the municipals provide regular health check-ups where you can also get advise on childcare, there are non-profit circles (I even founded a couple of them myself. It's easy.), public announcements, private-run magazines and now the internet. The thing is that it's also easy to avoid them, so if I notice young parents having problems with noone to turn to, I tell them to contact their city hall. But again, I'm sure most countries have something similar.

Uco, you are quite brilliant.

My entirely personal answer to this question is that it depends firstly on the child, and secondly on what you ask of them.

I probably ask a lot of our little one, but I do try to be consistent and ask the same standard of behaviour whether we are at home or in a restaurant. I'm aware that my partner may be happy with what I consider to be a less demanding standard of behaviour in the moment, but I am confident that we do agree that time at the table has a few basic rules.

Hopefully we manage to find a happy medium, although sometimes I wonder whether I am sacrificing fun in the moment for longer term more "civilised" behaviour. We are also helped immensely by the fact that our mini person seems to "get it", and loves going to restaurants and accepts that if she doesn't behave then she won't get to go to restaurants any more.

I don't think that this has any differences whatever country we live in.

Unlike Australia or the US for example, Japanese culture is more about what can an individual do for the community/society as a whole. As opposed to the west where it's about individualism, materialism and competing.

Children who are brought up in a Japanese style culture tend to be less about me me me and are perhaps a bit more conforming and less likely to jump up and down for attention.

I know from my kids, the more toys you give them, the rattier they become.

As for restaurants, I expect my kids to behave themselves, which is easy cause they're always too interested in the food. If little kids are noisy at the next table, I don't care, it's better than sitting near zombie people with no children giving you grumpy looks for something your son has meant to have done, like bumping their chair slightly etc...

Children who are brought up in a Japanese style culture tend to be less about me me me and are perhaps a bit more conforming and less likely to jump up and down for attention.

Interesting. That's what my family and friends always say about children being brought up in American/European style culture, as opposed to kids from Japan. And they'd be speaking from their experiences of living outside Japan.

Me me me children and their grown-ups are increasing, I suppose. It is something similar to a Chinese small emperor, resulting to their one child policy. We have not had such a political issue, however, our birthrate is falling. In Tokyo area, o-juken, pushing a little child to a special school, could have some impacts both on their sociality and the local society.