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Korean Guy and J Girl.?

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Korean Guy and J Girl.? 2008/5/2 14:45
Well... its been about 6 months since i've been dating her and right now we're at a stand still. I've been introduced to her parents and i did the same for her the only thing is Shes japanese and I'm Korean NOW im not implying this means anything cause it doesn't i don't have any grudges held like some people do. Neither does she. We're both Americans born here but apparently our parents seem to still hold grudges on what happened back in their days. Its really starting to irritate me as it is for her. I mean do they really have a right to judge us just for old racial fights? I'm passed all that Koreans being colonized cause at this point if you never move on then nothing will be accomplished. I love her and she loves me but i feel like the only thing keeping us from each other is our parents. Whenever i go to her house I hear the same word Kanko or something after that theres yelling between them then we leave. Me and my mom (parents divorced) have talked about it and she accepts her but i can still see in her eyes dissapointment in me for what? I just dont know what to do at this point. Do i keep talking to them or should we take matters into our own hands?
by Spiffychris  

past 2008/5/2 16:19
What happened in the past is really something people of your parents' generation may be difficult to get over. I don't know if you want to marry her but I'm guessing you're still both living at home.
If that's the case, for now, don't take their anger too seriously if you don't have any immediate plans to marry her. Wait til you get older and if you become more serious that's when you let your mom and her parents know.
The only way for them to overcome this I think is for you have extra family time with her family and have her spend time with your mom. Instead of being alone on a date every weekend, split it up into family time and show them that race doesn't matter. It's the person you and she found.

However, I only suggest this if you have serious plans with her. Otherwise, leave it be.

by Miyuki rate this post as useful

sansei 2008/5/2 16:36
When did your families come to America? I'm a third generation Japanese American and I have had no problems when I had a Korean girlfriend. If you are a first or second generation, there may be some strong feelings. I've seen in-law tension sometimes resolved when grandchildren are born, but I'm guessing your not there yet.
by Kun rate this post as useful

don't worry about others... 2008/5/2 16:49
if you guys love each other, there is absolutely no reason you should consider being apart just because of this stuff. unfortunately, some people from older generations just can't shake the bad habits/ideas they were raised with, but that isn't the fault of the younger generation -- we shouldn't have to pay the price. there is nothing in this world that bothers me more than racial stereotypes/prejudices, and i can imagine that for you guys it must be extra hard to live around those things when you are obviously aware that we are all just humans. it's good that your mom tries to be accepting, even if it's a little sad that you can tell she might be doing a little bit of pretending. at least she loves you enough to try and pretend for the sake of your happiness. but that disappointment you see in her -- you just have to accept it so that it doesn't become a burden to you. you don't have to like it, and it's o.k. that you know it's wrong, but as long as she isn't treating your girl badly, i think you just need to feel sorry for your mom for not being blessed with the open-mindedness that you were. it is sad that she was raised in a world that didn't allow her to feel kinship with all people. my parents are Hispanic, and although i have never yet dated a guy from outside my culture, i know my parents would be the same as your mom. they would try to pretend for me, but i know they would be disappointed. and they dont even have historical problems with other cultures that would at least half explain their ideas -- they just simply believe it's best to marry within your own race. do i care? no, not really. i think it's wrong and very sad. but i like guys from lots of different cultures and would never refrain from dating one just because it would cause my parents some disappointment. it's not my fault that they are unwilling to open their minds. i don't think it is selfish of me to be this way, because the fact is that *they* would be selfish wanting me to live my life for them. when they were young they had their chance to make their lives how they wished -- who ever stepped in and tried to tell them what to do? i suppose perhaps that might be the case for some of them, but if it is, then they should really be intelligent enough to understand how it feels, and not want to do it to their children! It is likely, though, that both your parents made their decisions and are living as they chose, and it might be good to tell them that as adults and humans, you deserve the same chance. As for your girl, if her parents are mistreating you, then if she loves you i would think she would do her best to keep you away from that. It must be hard for her if they are calling you names and fighting about you, but she's gotta just know that it's their problem. She can either ignore it, and view it as the unfortunate tantrums thrown by ignorant people, or she can choose to distance herself from them. You sound smart enough to blow it off, too. if you guys end up married, there will probably be some tough times -- but at least you will have tough times as the two of you fighting for your love, not the tough times other couples have fighting against each other. you will both want to save as much of your relationships with your families as possible, and you should, but part of growing up is starting your own family, so you need to be ready to be adult enough to say, "this is my family now, and this is the way we live and these are the things we believe." if either of your parents aren't willing to respect that, then they are being unfair and neither of you have to live with it. if either of you are being mistreated, then the other has to be willing to stand up and defend your relationship and say, "i love you, and you will always be my parents, but you cannot spoil our happiness by trying to control my life." if you and this girl love each other, you could have a future of the greatest happiness you could ever dream of -- holidays, anniversaries, children -- i think that is more important than pleasing your parents. it would be so sad not to give it a chance just because your parents want to make it tough for you. it is worth the try, i think. they got to have their dreams. but for everybody who dreams of having kids, and them being "successful," the fact is that your dreams for them end when those children are old enough to have their own dreams. Parents cannot expect their children to live the life they dreamed up for them once upon a time. And someday if you and your girl have beautiful little K/J kids, you should remember this for when they grow up and have dreams you might not have imagined for them! best of luck to ;)
by anonymouse rate this post as useful

??? 2008/5/2 16:59
what do you mean by "take matters into our own hands?"
by anonymouse rate this post as useful

It's your life. 2008/5/3 00:54
Before I start: why can't people use paragraphs, especially if they're going to write an essay?!? It's common sense, surely...

Now, my rant is over... !

Spiffychris, no one, not even your parents have the right to judge you for who you fall in love with.

It's your life, not your parents', so you have the right to spend it with whomever you choose. If that means, sadly without your parents' blessings, then so be it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should start ignoring them or being disrespectful, but at the end of the day, who are you going to live your life for? Yourself or your parents?

Besides, your parents should want the best for you and be happy for you, even if they are not.

Don't let them ruin your relationship, because then you'll end up resenting them for that.

Good luck!

by J girl rate this post as useful

Hmm . . . 2008/5/3 05:21
I believe I know exactly where your parents are coming from. I suppose this is due to racial history outside of American borders, going back to the time when Korea had forcibly become a part of the Japanese empire. They probably feel very mistrusting towards her and her family because of what happened during that time. But if that isn't the case then I apologize for being presumptuous.

But what I will tell you is that like what most of everyone has said, you should not allow their feelings to get in the way of your relationship. Of course, I wouldn't dismiss their feelings outright as something foolish and distasteful for they're probably going through something. I can't say what it is, but as much as this is an annoyance for you, this is painful for them.

Time, commitment, and understanding on both ends could help to heal the wounds gradually, but that isn't a guarantee. I'd imagine that a relationship between someone of Korean heritage and someone who was a part of the African Diaspora might receive similar disapproval just because of past racial history.

We should never think that the past is dead and gone just because those of the past are no longer with us (or simply because the past is just that, the past). Forgetfulness, willful ignorance, re-definition . . . often lead to repetition. It's not a matter of equating one group's suffering with another, because they are entirely different and do not share the same social and cultural dynamics. It's about understanding why things are the way they are and trying to find a solution.

Sometimes the best solutions are find with proper study of the past.

I don't want you to abandon your family because in many situations family is all you have. I understand that your girlfriend and yourself really love and care for each other, but there is always a way other than to give up on those that don't seem to understand. You just have to be willing to try, because I'd find it very difficult to see such a young man running away to be with someone he loved. (I'm assuming that you're younger than 21, which could be wrong.)

It doesn't always work that way. Sometimes people make mistakes, sometimes you find out that the grass isn't greener on the other side, and sometimes you realize that they won't ever change and you'll just have to live with that.

And if they won't change, you may find it easier to love from a distance.

by Kendara rate this post as useful

ic. 2008/5/3 08:12
Well i am in college right now and so is she. We dont live with our parents, I live in a dorm with a friend. She lives with her parents and attends a University that i also attend. I dont really get it we are adults and when i said take matters into our own hands i don't mean something extreme like running off or something from the play Romeo and Juliet haha. I just meant if the time is now to act and I should take a firm stand about this and really take it to their door and talk about it. Questions about why is it wrong, or why they think its right that i shouldnt be with her. This goes also with my gf talking to my Mom and Aunts that dont really sit easy with this. Shes dated Non-Asian men and I've dated Non-Asian woman and apparently its wrong if i go out with a Japanese Girl and if she goes out with a Korean Guy.

And i do agree with that you shouldnt forget about the past or things will just occur without anyone learning anything from it. Remembering is important cause the struggles and fighting for independence does sit deep in my heart of my heritage. Just moving on away from the grudges and the hate should be a obvious. I love her very much and I'm sure she feels the same way, We were both born and raised here in California a Place were other races converse. Just when our parents become involved it becomes a completely different story.

by Spiffychris rate this post as useful

sorry! 2008/5/3 08:13
Sorry i made a mistake with something. I meant she goes to college both she lives with her parents, not that ''We both dont live with our parents'' sorry about that.
by Spiffychris rate this post as useful

I have a dream 2008/5/3 08:16
Reconciliation is not an easy process. People have died in the process.
by King rate this post as useful

sorry! 2008/5/3 19:18
oh, J girl, i was just being careless, sorry!!! if there was an "edit" button, i would go back and use it, but there is not.

Spiffychris -- o.k., i understand about what you meant by "take matters into our own hands." yeah, if you are serious about taking this relationship further, maybe you should stand up more boldly about it. but as someone said, try to be more reasonable than they sometimes are when you do it, don't just fight and risk messing up your whole relationship with them.

by anonymouse rate this post as useful

yep. 2008/5/4 06:52
Yea, i understand that i shouldnt be so hasty with things. And befor anyone says anything about the whole 6 months isnt a long time thing we've been friends for about a good 2 years too. So yea i mean i love her a lot haha. I cant really say it as much as i really mean it. And I know that i respect her parents decisions but, this time its different. I do want to date for a little longer befor making a decision like marrying or something.
by Spiffychris rate this post as useful

Ah, I see 2008/5/4 15:56
I agree that if family opposition is the main problem, a serious sit-down discussion could do you all some good. Yes, I think that course of action is best. At least then, they would know where you both stand in the relationship and hopefully the healing will begin. It will take time, I'm certain, but hopefully if you guys ever have any family dinners together there won't be any unnecessary racial slurs or angry outbursts. I've learned from experience that painful memories especially involving mistrust or abuse can lead to irrational fears or hatred. I think that your relationship--if it stands the test of time--could be good for both of your families, aside from your girlfriend and yourself. Of course, that sort of reality can put a bit of pressure on the two of you, and I don't want you guys to feel pressured into anything. But I've often heard the saying, "when you marry someone, you marry the family." But I know that you said you hadn't quite gotten to the point where you would consider marriage. ^^;

I hope that the advice thus far has been helpful.

by Kendara rate this post as useful

Thanks 2008/5/12 14:36
I really appreciate all the responses and advice that was given :). I have decided to just go ahead and talk to her parents and show that I'm not a evil person or some arrogant guy, but a human being just like them. I have already spoken to my mom about this issue as well and she has apologized. I want to say thankyou everyone :) its really been helpin. Wish me luck with the (Inlaws haha)
by Spiffychris rate this post as useful

Ganbatte! 2008/5/13 10:57
Good luck with the fam. ^^

I'm sure you'll be fine. I'm glad that your mother seems to understand things now.

by Kendara rate this post as useful

.. 2008/5/20 17:19
Your parents (and hers) are very conservative. My parents were raised in China and my boyfriend's native Japanese, but our parents have no problems with us being together :) Anyways good luck to you!
by Alice rate this post as useful

. 2008/5/21 00:16
Think of it positively. If both sides' parents give the same pressure anymway, at least its a balanced stress. Imagine if only either your mom or her parents side aren't too happy about the whole thing.

You're in America now not in Japan or Korea. Seriously they might hold a grudge but it just wouldn't last either way.

What can they do?

If you two show enough of your love for one another, I'm sure it'll one day convince them that you're meant to be together.

Both of yous are Americanized by now anyhow, as long as they don't vehemently oppose to it actively, who care what they think.

by Blanc rate this post as useful

still 2008/5/21 10:03
Im suprised this thread is still going on, anyways I am a Korean(from Montreal) married to a Japanese from Japan. Multicultural is accepted, so my parents dont care, but if they did I would tell them thats too bad, simple. My mother tried imposing relgion(Korean protestants) and I firmly told her dont push it or I will break contacts. Family is family, so if you dont like it thats too bad, especially as Korean in America, they should know better.
I also have a couple of friends who come from Korea and married to Japanese.

Its your life, and if you are going to let your family stop you from marrying someone because of different country from a past problem, well I wont say the words :). Anyways if you parents really bug you, bring up the fact that Japan invasion was aided thanks to Americains actually, since they forced the Korean Port open(France tried too once I believe, but failed). Either way If her personality is not the problem, than dont lose her!

by Kmtl rate this post as useful

Thanks! 2008/5/30 16:10
She does have a wonderful personality :) which is why im so attracted to her. You could say that is Beauty and the Beast haha. The events at School were even odd, well the differences atleast. I was her friend for a long time and eventually thinks clicked :P including prom and homecoming etc. Now that we're growing up we've become more serious from that ohh soo cute thing haha. (We're both really sarcastic), and frankly we're both..how you say the kind of people when you hit, it would take them 5 seconds to react hehe. Kinda light headed ;) but i like it like that, we both enjoy the same things together and have dumb moments. I mean really our parents cant say much other than speaking their mind. I dont blame them thou, their both in the generation where a lot did happen between them. I respect their choices, but I wont accept it. I'm not a Korean nor is she a Japanese, we're both Americans now so whether they like it or not its going to be the way it is. I hope they can accept it, if not then thats dissapointing.

Thanks again guys :)

by Spiffychris rate this post as useful

really lost. 2008/8/19 11:47
Well its been awhile since I've posted which means of course, things have been going my way. But recently I went to Japan with my lady and was..somewhat interesting. The Trip to Japan did work and it did strengthen our relationship a lot. When we landed I was excited and we immediately went to her grandparents and the visit was somewhat confusing since I had to talk through her to them from her to me. But I kinda could tell they didn't dislike me, but they didn't really like like me if you know what I mean =/.Also I began to notice somethings That I didn't really know about her which wasn't wrong just somewhat opened my eyes on how lucky I was haha. When her uncle was talking to me about her family and (Family Stories) It really made me amazed at her family tree and what her ancestors were and did! Now the question I really wanted to ask was, What do I exactly show her when we go to Korea during the Winter. I dont have grandparents to refer to since my parents are divorced AKA I know close to nothing about my Dad's Family tree. And all the family in Korea are people that well... would get confused at the Nipon/Eelbon Girl that i bring with me and say that shes my girl friend and we're on vacation lol. Just need to know what I should really do haha.
by Spiffychris rate this post as useful

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