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are these sentences correct? 2014/6/16 23:37
Hello

I have to record vocal presentation which will be show during a seminary of my company in Japan.
As there are some Japanese and non-Japanese people, I am suppoed just to present myself and to describe my missions in Japanese (I will go to Japan in August), then to pursue in English so as everybody would understand.

Here is what I have prepared for the moment:

皆さん、こんにちは

XXXXXと申します。8月からXXXXXにXXXXProjectのコーディネーションを担当致します。よろしくお願い申し上げます。

XXXXXとして、私の使命はこのスライドの上では書いております。

顧客とXXXXXマッピングをしたり
SalesとRegulatoryと共に顧客を訪問したり
顧客よりの依頼か質問を中心に集めたり
在庫とサンプリングの管理をしたり
月例のDashboardの管理をしたり
フランスと日本の間、インターフェイスを改良したりするということです。

今後、皆さんが拝聴できるのよう、英語で発表を続き致します。


Then, at the end, I would like to thank people for watching (and hearing) and that they gave me the opportunity to speak:

本日は機会を与えていただきありがとうございました。

I really don't know if these sentences are correct or not, especially the way of listing all the missions I'm supposed to support.

If someone could give me and advice, that could save my life.

Than you.

makusansu
by makusansu  

Re: are these sentences correct? 2014/6/17 08:40
It's almost perfect.
I'm re-written more natural way. You can have a look as an advice. Adviced points are indicated as (*).



皆さま(*)、こんにちは。

XXXXXと申します。8月からXXXXXにXXXXProjectのコーディネーションを担当致します。よろしくお願い申し上げます。

XXXXXとして、私の担当(*)はこのスライドの上に表示しております(*)。

私の主な担当は(*)、
顧客とXXXXXマッピングの作成(*)、
SalesとRegulatoryと共に顧客の訪問(*)、
顧客から(*)の依頼や質問の回収(*)、
在庫とサンプリングの管理(*)、
月例のDashboardの管理(*)、
フランスと日本の間で(*)インターフェイスの(*)改良を行います。

次に(*)、英語で発表を行います。

本日は発表の(*)機会を与えていただきありがとうございました。
by tokyo friend 48 rate this post as useful

Re: are these sentences correct? 2014/6/17 16:49
Wow! Thanks a lot!

So it is possible to list some actions without any particles. It is quite more convenient than using "tari".
by makusansu rate this post as useful

Re: are these sentences correct? 2014/6/18 14:04
Listing actions in nouns (rather than in verbs) would look and sound more matter-of-fact and somewhat business-like, which suits your occasion :)
by AK rate this post as useful

Re: are these sentences correct? 2014/6/18 22:23
You can be adding "Tari" in various phases.
There is no grammatical rules but if there are more than two phases, it sounds more natural dividing phases as noun, without adding "Tari", especially on business occasions.

But as I mentioned above, your Japanese speech is almost perfect.
by tokyo friend 48 rate this post as useful

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