Is this common in japanese culture?

Hi everyone.
I just wanted to know if anything has any input about thus particular issue. I am an American girl, and my college roommate happens to be Japanese. When we first met about four days ago everything seemed fine, she seemed to really like me and talked to me a lot. Recently though, I notice she's been acting a little odd. I took her and some of her friends to a Japanese food market to buy some food products, and I was for sure that I had some new friends. However, she often leaves the room to go hang out with her Japanese friends (who I met too), and never ask me to join her. I know we're only roommates and not obligated to be friends-still this kind of stings me a little bit. I went out of my way to take them to the Japanese food market so they can buy a rice cooker, and then they cooked with it that night and didn't ask me to join! No "thank you" or any signs of gratitude there. I'm starting to think that maybe the Japanese are what I call "culturally exclusive." I feel like a "gaijin" in my own country! Even though they come to the states to study English, they seldom want to make American friends. It's so strange to me.
Anyway I did ask my roommate if she liked me thus far and she said, "of course I like you soo much!" and that she doesn't ask me to join because she thinks it may be troublesome. But I think otherwise. It could be a language barrier thing, too.
OK, if any one has any thing to attribute this situation it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

It's not "common," but some people hang out only with their kind, for one thing they can stick to their own language and "be themselves," in a way, so that even though they are physically outside their home country they can just stay within their comfort zone. (To me a waste of time and money studying overseas!) But the thing about your taking her to the food market and her not saying thank-you sounds like she seems to think that everything around her is there for her, so this has less to do with "culturally exclusive" thing, simply a lack of courtesy and good manners. Her attitude might change, or might not change, over time, but nothing you can really do about it...

hmm...obviously I don't know the whole situation but you do have some points from what you mentioned. I grew up in both cultures so my guess is perhaps they assumed from you being a 'gaijin' that you wouldn't be keen on eating the food your roomates cooked? I know some Japanese to have entrenched assumptions on foreigners. Otherwise it was a language barrier (having limited language skills)?

But regardless of culture some people some are more hospitable than others whilst for some they may be more introverted.

Taking them to the Japanese supermarket shows a lot of initiative on your part which should be commended. I'm sure your roommates won't be offended if you ask if you wouldn't mind joining them.

I agree with both posters. Perhaps she feels nervous about using English and being with non-Japanese people, and needs some time to "breathe". Still there is no excuse for not saying thank you. About not inviting you for a meal, is it possible they are beginners on cooking and weren't keen on inviting you for their so-so foods? As she gets used to her new life and American culture, she probably will be relaxed and would appreciate you more.

Since two days ago my roommate has actually hung out with a couple of Americans but just not me! Oh well, I guess I'm not her cup of tea :-(. I am very nice to her and was even there to greet her when her and other Japanese exchange students first arrived in my state! The only thing she mentioned was that she likes listening to my English. Maybe she's using me for her benefit in that area? She told me that she met this girl who loves Japan, anime, manga, blah blah blah, but she knows I like Japanese culture too. Maybe I'm just being oversensitive?
Well it's only been one week I hope things improve. I do speak some Japanese too but I just don't feel comfortable using it with her I don't know why!

I don't know the situation so take it as a grain of salt.
Most English learning or foreign exchange students from Japan are coming from more affluent homes where kids are raised overly protected & spoiled in very materialistic environment. Very much me generation and immature in people interactions/relationships. This is not a fault of their own but more of parent's lack of "shitsuke"(manners)teaching. Also they tend to stick with each other for comfort or ashamed of their English expression capability or being homesick. Japanese do not have the tradition of formally or informally introducing friends/families to others, either like done in US. They may rudely ignore even if introduced due to their ignorance. Also they do not take time in getting to know others as friends like many Americans do.
You may teach & show how it is done in US and explain, not complain, how others feel if not done properly. You seem like a caring person. Be a big sister. She may not appreciate at first but she will later. It is part of her western manner/culture learning to go with English language learning.

I suppose you can take a sort of advantage in cross-cultural communication because you are in your home country, but it seems you are not making use of this advantage.

Frankly, you had better be open-minded instead of speaking ill of foreign people who failed to react to your kindness in a "proper" way. Your country is not a home country to Japanese students.

I sometimes have chances in or around a station to help a foreign visitor to my home country Japan; I seldom hear a word of thanks even when I use English, but I have never cared that.

My answer to your question is "no." However, if my answer were "yes" then would you be ready to accept it as another culture? Your comments make me assume you could never accept it and you might hope to "educate" them to learn the way which you believe as a U.S.A. standard. In other words, it's not they but you who sound to me "culturally exclusive."

@ Omotenashi Please re read what Iris was asking and apply the very Western phrase "When in Rome...."

@ Iris Most likely your room mate was looking for people they considered of like mind. I would also guess they are currently feeling a bit lost and looking for the familiar. Cultures often have odd ideas about what is normal and you may find they assume a level of what you consider ungrateful to be normal to life in America. Only time and experience will sort this out.

I agree with Omotenashi�fs �gI sometimes have chances in or around a station to help a foreign visitor to my home country Japan; I seldom hear a word of thanks even when I use English, but I have never cared that�h. Most Asians will help foreigners and locals without expecting gratitude in return-considered similar to �ga welcome to our country�h gesture.

There is a Japanese craft teacher who guided her foreign students, traveled with them to certain stations for unique traditional tools and materials- available only in those particular stores all over the metro Tokyo. She covered costs of transport and meal to assist students in overcoming the language and culture barriers, and welcome them.

In your case, it could be either a cultural or economical issue.
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Conservative-many Japanese and Koreans belong to collective tight knit communities with life long powerful committed bonds. Unless living abroad. they seldom invite strangers, even casual friends-- to their homes for a visit, especially home cooked meals.
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Frugal-foreign students are normally on a tight budget. I expect you did not bring food. Japanese condiments are costly and food prices are high. The rice cooker took a chunk of their allowance. All these costs are reasons not to stretch their budget to feed strangers.
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From TV and on line, they must know that western portion sizes and eating habits are different, and they are not confident in their English language skills to explain that aspect to a stranger.

On observing, you will discover that although foreigners find Japanese people quite polite and courteous, earning their trust takes longer- years.

Once you are accepted, you have a friend for life.

Sometimes, one never becomes part of the Japanese group or the family despite married to a Japanese spouse and children. Although they will accept the grandchildren readily, often after years parents-in law will still consider their married foreign daughter/son in law as an "extended quest" (despite acquiring language and assimilating into culture).

Each culture is interestingly different.

Re: mutual understandings

Well, I mostly agree with opinions which are neutral or critical to the Japanese students' behaviors. I refrained from saying similar things, and tried to make comments from a different point of view.

The Japanese students you have mentioned might be fellows of bad manners as is pointed out by ay. However, I suppose that looking at them only through your own spectacles will not better the situation, and of course vice versa: maybe they are looking at you with misconceptions or excessively stereotyped images about you or your home country U.S. (A very sad example of such misunderstandings is that due to September 2001 terror attacks, some Islamists faced prejudices while some people outside began to think U.S. people are not generous as they were before.)

Anyway, I think one week or so is too short to have mutual understandings unless each side tries to do so, not sticking to each one's own view.

Willau: apply the very Western phrase "When in Rome...."

A phrase of the same meaning exists in Japanese. But I understand that the core sense of these two proverbs is not like "people can expect a foreigner to follow their rules" but like "when you are placed in another society, try to get familiar with rules of the people there."

I'm not sure if we can say that it's "common," but me and some people I know notice that a lot of expats in Japan are like that. They ask locals for favors, and when granted they don't really show big appreciation, and they prefer to hang out with their own and decline invitations from locals.

I'm not saying that all expats are like that, but I've lived abroad and have friends who do/did, and I notice that the percentage of expats who are like that and those who are not is about the same wherever country you go to.

Another thing is that when you're still a young student, you don't really know how to be social. I remember that I myself didn't show enough appreciation to many people when I was a college girl in my own country, while I learned ways to show it as I got a job or as I started a family or what not.

Uco as a point..
it is not just young Japanese that stick together...In Canada, where I live, there are adults people from various countries that , outside work, only hang out with people from their own birth country...
I have always gone the other way.. though at first it was not a conscious choice.. it just happened. I only know a couple of people from my birth country and their mates, like mine, are from other countries altogether ..

It is a fact of life that many times there is no chemistry between roommates. You may be a great person but the other person doesn't see it that way..nothing personal.

When I was a foreign exchange student in Finland I had 2 Finnish roommates. The one I first shared the room with was very nice but he spent lots of time on his own, away from where we lived and worked.

The second one joined us 2 weeks later. He made a point of taking me with him every other weekend. He invited me to his parents home, to friends homes etc.
The funny thing is that I didn't mind at all being alone on weekends, but the way he asked me to go with him the first time sounded so natural, so logical, that I didn't even think of saying no. Right from the start we had a connection.

A similar thing happened a few months later in the Army (in those days all fit young European men HAD to go to the army for a few years after high school or university etc.).

We were 40 roommates in one huge room but each one of us only had about 5-7 buddies that we spent lots of time with, perhaps a dozen more guys we talked to now and again..we hardly ever talked to the rest of the guys.

It's only been a week! Just give it time, and you will get to know each other inevitably as roommates, and then become friends or not. I had a neighbor in the US who was my best friend (Japanese) and we hung out every day, and still she was so worried that I would be uncomfortable that she didn't invite me to any of her Japanese Community social get- togethers until like a year later. Even when we went she kept checking if I was ok.
If you end up getting along, and you really like her, invite her if you and your friends are having an American barbecue or something. Remember, she is visiting your country, and she is probably interested in your culture but doesn't want to push her presence on you especially because you live in the same room all the rest of the time.

Oh, and I have noticed living in Japan that people don't always say "thank you!!" like a big deal. When I make brownies or bring a special gift to a friend or something, they always say "II desu! or daisuki!" (Or return the favor later) As far as food it is always itadakimasu and goschisousama. They never gush and thank you after a meal or if you bring some food or buy lunch. Just my experience. It definitely does not mean she doesn't appreciate it. :)

Lilu wrote;
"As far as food it is always itadakimasu and goschisousama."

Well, to be fair, rthat can be translated to "Thank you." in English.

Uco: that can be translated to "Thank you." in English.

Yes. "Itadakimasu" before a meal is a respectful way to say "I will have it." and "goschisousama" is originally a phrase to express gratitude for efforts to prepare the meal.

No "thank you" or any signs of gratitude there.

I suppose you are not yet "kimi" or "{first name}-chan" but still "anata" in Japanese (and, not yet "du" but still "Sie" in German).
If I were in his/her shoes, I might write a letter of thanks but I would not make a thank-you call or e-mail, because we have not become close friends and a phone call or e-mail might make his/her to spend the time unwillingly.

I found a typo.
NOT: make his/her
BUT: make him/her

Uco thanks for clarifying, that is exactly what I was trying to say. I meant that there are different ways to say thank you and show gratitude than saying "Doumo arigatou goziamasu" At least in my experience the technical "thank you" is not always the way people thank you for things in Japan.
Of course when I help at the family business or something, my Japanese in-laws ALWAYS say arigatou. :)

I don't get the last half of Omotenashi's last post. Are you suggesting to write a thank you letter to a roommate?

My roommate ended up changing rooms. She decide that she wanted a single room instead. Now I don't know the ins and outs of Japanese culture too well, but I'm assuming she just wanted her privacy. But I also feel like I failed her as a roommate. We were only roommates for one week! I was honest by telling her I didn't think she liked me and she said it made her very sad. Hence, this is why I think she decided to move out. I feel disappointed in that I couldn't keep my roommate and the friendship I looked forward to having didn't happen :-(.

Iris at least you got your answer before you tried too hard on this. The only thing I can think is maybe that was the answer. You tried too hard. It may be a case of culture shock for your ex roommate but I think if she went to the US to study expecting a home from home she was very deluded. As far as I can see you did all the right things to be welcoming and friendly from a US culture point of view.