I can’t have Japanese friends..

.. It's getting frustrating. Now that I've been here for about 3 months and half, considering the fact that I don't have any real friend here yet, I'm starting to get nervous and anxious about it, every single day.

Currently I'm learning Japanese language and I live in Osaka. At first, I met few Japanese girls and things seemed to be just fine. But the longer I live here the worse it gets. Most of those that I met in my first month stopped contacting, or, when I ask them let's meet on a day X, they all come up with the same answer: I'm sorry, but I'm busy and I can't make it. Then I ask when it's alright for you to meet.. and then they usually reply with this: I'm sorry this month I'm so busy with my part-jobs and the month after I'm traveling.. the after that we can meet...

Then that month they say it's possible to meet comes but as you can guess, they never even say Hi. Now same thing happens with almost every girl.

The problem is, they all seem happy and excited at first and they send back messages and say how they enjoyed their times with me.. then after 'no more contact'.

I wonder, if it's me? Or It's a cultural thing? Or I'm meeting the wrong people? Or maybe they are indeed all busy?

The thing is, I'm not looking for a girlfriend. I just want friendship at first.

Guys, I need your help, really I do . Please if you can shed some light on this. I would really appreciate it. I'm really feeling lonely and confused, specially that I'm an outgoing guy. Any tips how to get this over would be much appreciated.

Thanks a lot.

Now same thing happens with almost every girl.

Are you only trying to befriend girls? Try making some guy friends as well.

Same goes for the guys that I met so far...

You've only been there 3 and a half months.

Just keep going and looking for new friendships. Eventually you will find the people you desire to engage in a friendship with. If you are outgoing, just continually try to build up your network.

If you are stuck on a day with nothing to do because all your friends are busy, use that time to find new friends or make new friends. Just keep going until you reach the right people.

You can try to develop new hobby especially related to Japanese culture by joining its training class or some social groups for that hobby then you can meet new people on regular basis eventually being able to make them your friends.

Japanese people may be shy to make unknown person friends and they need to be at least introduced via a common friend.


Best Of Luck!

I am a Japanese man.

1. What language are you using when you talk each other? If it is English and most of the time you are talking, then she might not understand what you are saying. It would be very annoying. If you are native English speaker, things may get worse: for Japanese, native English is usually too fast to follow.

2. Are you trying to understand what she is saying? Are you interested in her? I think most women like to be heard.

Anyway, there are many Japanese young guys who do not have female friends. Therefore I guess your problem should be not cultural but common male/female relationship.

Thanks Jake. Although it's not easy but I'm trying this out.

Guest007, you might be right. I'm considering joing some martial art classes.. I'm just short of money right now.

Actually, Ive already been introduced by some common friends.. we had a drink and talked then later they don't wish to meet you for the reasons I cited on OP.

But I just want to know from somebody who lived here for a while if they do the same thing with all westerners? I just believe it's only me but I don't know.

Hi frog1954,

Thanks for your insight.

I want to speak only in Japanese and thus I try to talk only in Japanese. I'm looking for Japanese people who don't understand English so I can be forced to speak only Japanese.

I don't need somebody who wants to use me as an English teacher for free. There are a lot of them out there..

Hi Paganbreeze,

OK, I understand you spoke Japanese language.

I don't need somebody who wants to use me as an English teacher for free. There are a lot of them out there..

Did you imagine this might be also the case with Japanese girls/boys? That is, they might not need somebody who wants them to use as Japanese teachers :)?

Anyway, if you can meet up with Japanese peoples but can not continue your relationship, the meeting should not be fan to them. If you sit down somewhere and take a basic Japanese conversation, it would not be interesting for them. Did you treat your girls, like some lunch or movie?

The problem is, they all seem happy and excited at first and they send back messages and say how they enjoyed their times with me.. then after 'no more contact'.

I think this is common polite behavior in Japan, but people in your shoes often get tripped up thinking its more than it is. Don't read too much into these kinds of texts.

I wonder, if it's me? Or It's a cultural thing? Or I'm meeting the wrong people? Or maybe they are indeed all busy?

Well people are busy... Where are you meeting these people? Perhaps you're coming on too strong. How is your Japanese? If its still beginner level then that might be a problem considering you want to befriend primarily Japanese speakers. Maybe they see you as the language leech. It could be a combination of things.

But as others have already said, give it some more time. You've only been here a short while so you should have plenty of time and opportunity to make friends. You say you have mutual friends, why not hang out with them more?

Hi Paganbreeze,

If you are short of money now then you can join some group which needs volunteers for social service related to nature care where you can go outdoors as well and you will be able to make new friends.

You can also try to find friends who are half-Japanese people as they may be able to understand your approach of friendship more better then native Japanese.

Its good that you want to speak in Japanese but it takes time to develop native level fluency as Japanese is difficult language.

Its quite common that Japanese people will say something good about time spent or give reasons for not meeting again or no reply at all because they think that its being polite and not embarrassing a person by saying NO.

I would say that don`t loose your heart and take it easy. You can definitely find friends who have same hobbies as you.


Good Luck!

Where are you meeting people? I agree with the advice to get a hobby and make friends through that. If you find people who enjoy the same things you do and spend time with a group regularly friendship will naturally develop. If you're just relying on meeting people in bars, they may be nice but you might not have anything in common, leading people to duck out of furthering the friendship. Also, depending on your language level, some people might think it is too much trouble to communicate but not want to hurt your feelings. That's why having a common interest helps, everyone enjoys the same thing so they want to talk about it and are willing to look past the language barriers.

Just use meetup.com and lookup events in Osaka. Surely there's plenty of Japanese people joining that.

they're all workaholics, often working morning to night, 5 or 6, maybe even 7 days a week. The little time off they DO have they usually spend with their other friends or their family. Probably nothing personal against you... just legit busy, that's all. Keep looking until you find someone who's schedule is a bit more open, probably someone who works an hourly job and not a professional job.

I don't know about other countries or people, but I always find it difficult and pressuring if someone you've known for only a couple of months contacts you and suggusts you get together for no special reason, especially if it's one on one.

It's more natural to get to know people by chance, find out that you have things in common, and then some one says, "Well then, we should get together some time to share that common thing." and then at least three people are invited.

If there are three or more people, one person can deal with you while the other person gets stuck in the conversation. And things like sports, going to the movies or a museum kills more time than going out for meals or lunch where you have to engage in a conversation.

Either way, it's not easy for everyone to make friends with those of other cultural backgrounds. Some are really good at it, but I'm a Japanese in Japan who grew up in the U.S. and yet I don't think I've had a true native-English-speaker-friend in nearly 40 years, and this is due to the gap in vocabulary, jokes, interests lifestyle and distance of residence.

If you don't have money, you can contact your nearest ward office or city hall to see if there are nonprofit international friendship groups. You can also share hobbies on-line and hope for off-line meetings.

Also, I definately agree that no one really wants to be your free language teacher, be it for Japanese language or English language or any other language.

Dude, I met a massive about of people from interpals dot net and well most of their posts start off as them wanting to be taught English, but it just seems a common icebreaker, I've never actually taught any of them English, met quite a few nice girls too.

The way the Japanese avoid directly telling you no is part of how they are, and you just need to learn when it's a blow off, they won't be so open with it.

I made a few friends through work, a few I randomly met in the streets, and others on interpals or here, so open up your avenues, and don't be too eager to use up their time, just chill out.

Your negativity seems to be snowballing, and no one wants to be around a negative nancy.

I had the same problem as you for the first month, but slowly developed a strong friends group, so just keep it up.

Be cool, how long will you be in Japan?

agreed about negativity, you must never, NEVER show negativity in front of japanese people, especially girls. they will never talk to you again if you do it once.

be positive, if possible join some kind of group or club, any kind of group or club is fine. photography club, martial arts club, tea ceremony, calligraphy, cooking, anything at all. once you get into a group you'll be able to start making some friends with more deep bonds.

online is also a good place to meet new people who will form more deep relationships with you.

You're in Osaka. You already have a huge advantage over many foreigners in Japan who are stuck out in the countryside. Young people are plentiful in a place like Osaka, it is pretty easy to meet them. The task is then purely one of making friends once they're met.

I have to ask....how were you for friends at home?
Not judging you here as I've no idea what kind of person you are but there are some people who are complete losers at home and expect to come here and expect all the guys to want to hang with them and the girls to be falling at their feet.

The only advice I can really give is just usual 'how to make friends' stuff. In Osaka most of the battle is already won, you can find young people easily, its just a case of being interesting and friendly and all that jazz. No big cultural barrier.

While I agree with takeda's ghost, it also can go the other way around.

What I mean is, some people grow up as a popular kid until they move to a different atmosphere where all their jokes and tones don't make sense to the people in that new society.

Just because you knew your way around at home, that doesn't mean you can do the same elsewhere. That's how it is. It's not just you.

Speaking from experience living in Okinawa and Tokyo; if you try to meet people at bars/clubs expecting to form lasting relationships be prepared to have people not give you the time of day.

Like everyone has stated, if you really want to meet people with a good chance of forming friendships the best bet is to find those with similar interests. It gives you a reason to meet up, and also they may ask you questions randomly instead of you initiating contact.

You've been there for a few months now, don't have a gloomy outcome because it does take time. Once you find that "core" group of friends, you'll have a much better outlook during your stay in Japan. がんばって!