Japanese female penpals suddenly stop mailing

I have made a few penpals on Japanguide since 2010. Out of the 50 I tried to contact at that time, maybe 20 replied and started conversations. Then it dropped to 10 when I was actually coming to Japan and I showed an interest in meeting up with them. I only met 3 of then in Japan. I enjoyed time in Tokyo with one and then meet two in Osaka for dinner at seperate times. Unfortunately it is common to exchange a lot of emails with one or many people and then they just disappear. It is very normal. I am from the USA and it was difficult to get used to people just disappearing, but in the Japanese culture it is what they do. It would be nice to get a, reason or a final goodbye, but that is rare. It is even a common practice when people are involved in a, serious relationship and it's over, the person will just stop taking to the other person. When we get penpals we just have to learn their cultural norms. So don't take it too personally when your penpals disappear. Just keep trying and you might find a great one.

"It is even a common practice when people are involved in a, serious relationship and it's over, the person will just stop taking to the other person."

Nah, this happens mostly when the loser gaijin guy fooled himself into thinking the cute Japanese girl was in a "serious relationship" with him, when in fact she was just playing around.

I'm a Japanese woman.

My case, i had many penpals.
But it's difficult to keep in touch all of them.
Because some are wanted romance, some are not interesting.
It's same.

My long term penpals are not so much.
But they are special friends for me.
One guy is two years.
We use Whats App.
It's easy to chat.
Almost everyday we send message but some are just greeting, some are short and some are long chat.
He is curious and he ask me questions sometimes.
It's good to keep conversation.
Actually sometimes he asked me difficult things to explain, like about world, politics or history.
But he want to know my opinion.
So we can talk and know more each other.
And he has good sense of humor.
We are joking often.
I respect him so much as my special friend.

My female penpals also disappeared, after we started voice chat on skype.

i wonder why...

Hello Izquierda,

I felt very identified when I read the first post. But I could not respond until now. To say that I have enough time with this topic of penpals and at different web; and indeed my experience is similar: there comes a moment when they disappear without a trace. Not only Asian penpals, also other nationalities. Although we will stick to this page since and int he japanese people.

To say that I'm usually very respectful. My messages are intended to be varied and talk about cultural or topical issues, music, film... Sending photos to me see me and the habits of my country and my city. I'm not insistent because I am aware that people are busy, so I have no problem to sending one or two messages a month or one a week. I easily adapt to time penpal. I'm not talking about history, politics or difficult things (japanese do not like to talk about these issues). I do not use as language teachers, not rare or do sexual propositions to girls, and I do not show enthusiastic Japan as would an otaku... and nothing.

My messages are usually good and long. And the messages of japanese people, to short. At the end, they lose all interest, or derived to rubbish mobile apps can hardly maintain a moderately serious conversation (Whatsapp, Line...). Japanese girls, especially, do not have much conversation or anything interesting to say normally.


As I said: comes a moment when the communication cut. Or that after a few messages disappear when at first were enthusiastic to practice their English or other. It is something that despite my experience, I do not get used to it. Nor did I get used to falsity and hypocrisy. I helped some japanese to planned holidays in my country, and when they return to Japan, are unable to send me a message telling me your experiences, as we agreed. And so forth.

My theory is that they are so boring and are bored in their daily lives, looking at some surprise that foreign persons make them regain the illusion. And when observe that answer their messages normal people with normal problems and normal messages, lose all interest.

It is a theme that will definitely leave. If the Japanese are bored, to buy a pet. And do not make me waste more time.

Hi Izquierda,

After reading your posts, I feel much better knowing that I'm not the only one experiencing such issues with my penpals from Japan. Similarly, I have contacted many penpals on Japanguide with only a small number replying to my messages (maybe 12 out of 50). I used to tailor my messages to each and every penpal I contacted to give it a personalized touch rather than using a drafted message. I don't expect much knowing that they can be busy as they might receive many similar messages from many other users like myself. Out of the 12 that contacted me, usually 2-3 remain in contact. However, after a period of time, the same thing happened to me as it did to you. They broke off all contact abruptly. My messages were ignored, no matter how "close" or how long it took to built that friendship, it was all gone just like that. Knowing that people can be busy and there are times where they might be entering a new phase of their life, I don't pressure them to reply to my messages.

Recently, I've lost two friends due to them ignoring my messages. One who I've met in person once in Tokyo and once in my country, Singapore. It was rather disheartening as we've known each other for almost a year and shared many things among ourselves. (I use an app called Line to contact my penpals)

New penpals that I've tried contacting, ended up the same way it did with previous penpals. This cycle usually repeats itself and the only thing I could infer was that they grew bored of me or they felt awkward/pressured and that they were too polite to voice it out.

I would also like to point out that I've made 2 close friends out of the many that broke contact with me. We talked about many things and I learnt that using Japanese dialects and tamego (Japanese slang) helps in breaking the barrier between a foreigner and a person from Japan. According to my friend, learning the way they usually text their friends can also help in establishing a strong relationship. But usually that comes after you and your penpal are close enough and comfortable to talk in a more casual way.
I hope this helps! :)

This happened to me in vise versa as well! I contacted many Japanese people, and most of them ignore my messages, but, I also got contacted by many Japanese people and I was the one ignoring most them as well! So, it goes both ways!!
It has nothing to do with nationality actually. It is just part of life! Not everyone who contacts you is going to be interested.
And nobody owes anyone anything.
If it's meant to be, then it's meant to be. That's it!

i have the problem always and always again and I'm a girl. I think the sad truth is, that it's nearly impossible to find penpals for a lifetime, same as it is nearly impossible to find real friends that stay forever.
that is the sad truth.

i personally also wrote to people who had the same interests as me or listened to the same music, but somehow human beings always seem to get bored after a while.. the problem is how can people interested in japan make contacts with japanese speakers?
i really try to learn about the culture, but even after a year of talking, that's the limit, then everyone disappears!
i unfortunately can't find any japanese people where i love, not any at my university either...and even if i see a japanese person on the street, i can't just walk to him and talk to him,can i?

for me japanguideis the only possibility to talk to a japanese person, that is why it is so frustrating that even after trying for more than a year, i still haven't really made a long friendship:(

I managed to find a slow mail pen pal, Mail usually comes once a month. I say mail but its an email. Been talking to them for 1 year and a 3/4's, nearly 2 now.

The other is nearly daily, but the content is short, usually no more then three lines. This one is about 4-5 months.

Hmm

I get this a lot also not all I met here but a lot will message me once then maybe a few more times & then disappear. It annoys me sometimes because it feels like they are flaky. Perhaps they don't know what to talk about, or are afraid someone will make fun of them, who knows...

I never make fun of people who try to learn my language. I do however think its cute when a Japanese female tries to speak in English, because I like their accents.

I like the shy act type, but I really wish I could make at least 2-3 good friends from this site from Japan who will keep in touch & not be afraid to call me once in a while on Skype. It is nice to have someone ask me if I am free as I sometimes like to be alone & play a game or something alone.

I really hate it when a Japanese person who is interested in being friends with me makes comments to me like, "You will get tired of me soon", or "Once you know me you wont like me". You are not me, so don't make choice for me or assume you know me. If I don't like you, you will be the first to know! I will try to be respectful about it, but I am rather honest about my feelings & ideas.

I know the culture is a major difference. I always liked Japanese people though when I lived in Hawaii because they were always so friendly, and nice to me. Online it seams different sometimes, and there are times I just want to give up & not try to make any more friends from Japan. I cant help what I like or am interested. It is what it is!