A Father with a half-Japanese Son

@papakuma,

Thanks for sharing your story. I can tell you're going through a difficult moment. May I suggest the idea that Japan is not the only possible destination for you? You're an architect, you have a decent amount of experience and you speak english, so what about Canada? You can apply to a permanent residency through the points system and the minimum score is always fluctuating, so I say you could have a good shot at it. You could get a job right away without the need to learn a new language and I'm sure that good and affordable education could be available for your child.

But, if you must move to Japan for whatever reason, then I think your best bet is to enroll in a japanese language school and get a student visa. You will only be allowed to do part time jobs, but your savings will help you to sustain yourself and your child for 2 years, which is the amount of time I imagine it'd take you to learn decent japanese at an intensive school. Taking tokyo as a reference, and just throwing a very rough number, 2 years in this situation and with a child might cost anywhere in between 6 and 8M yen (child care is costly). If you live in a rural area it might be less. You will deplete a big chunk of your savings, but at the end, if all goes well, you'll learn good japanese and should be able to find a decently payed job.

just my thoughts. wish you the best

If you are an architect, did you look for internships? My cousin (he is 28 y) came to Tokyo as an intern in March and has recently been offered a job at that company. He speaks no Japanese at all. At the same company an older architect just has started also as an intern and he probably will also soon get a fixed contract. They seem to be hiring a lot. And they have a lot of interns.

His working hours however are IMPOSSIBLE: he and most of his friends working at other architecture studios work like 11am to 11pm , Mon through Sat!

Hope you can find a good future for you and your son. Wishing you all the best.

@ Paul, Thanks.

@ 88Tim, I hope what you said will come true. After all it would be better for my son if me and my wife are around. Thanks.

@ marumaru, Thanks for your thoughts.
Though my priority is for my son to be in Japan, what you said is also an option. I actually had a migrant application to Australia but due to the slump in the construction industry (lack of states for sponsorship), it didn't went through.

I am planning to live a very modest life while studying and taking care of my son at the same time. Hopefully it can bring down the cost that you stated. Also living in the outskirts of Tokyo might help. Before I got married I went to a Japanese language school here in Singapore for 2+ years. My level was equivalent to N4. Maybe in the the few months before executing my plan, I can brushed up my "broken" Nihongo and manage to not start from the beginner level.
As much as I can, I want to minimize the amount I will cut from my savings. There are some 4-5M\ studio/1DK (exclusive of other fees) for sale around Tokyo. I was looking of getting one for my son in the future. Need to tighten my belt for this.

@LikeBike, Thank you.
It is called "open desk".
Usually it goes for 90 days which corresponds to the length of a "working holiday" (I maybe wrong).
So for 3 months you will have to work very hard without a salary. Even train allowance is very rare. Some of these open desk interns even need to sleep in their offices for a few days. Good thing your cousin was offered a job. Kindly extend my "Ganbatte" to your cousin, it will be tough but will give him experience he won't get anywhere else (I'm a big fan of Japanese architecture).

There are some 4-5M\ studio/1DK (exclusive of other fees) for sale around Tokyo. I was looking of getting one for my son in the future. Need to tighten my belt for this.

That would do him a huge disservice, unless you want a spoiled brat for a son.

You should contact the consulate or embassy for your country and get an immigration and family lawyer that specializes in international law. I'm Speaking from experience. A lot of people here mean well with their answers but many are WAY off. Since your wife/ex wife is not sponsoring your visa, she can't contest it either way, but you will need a custody agreement for your child. Get a lawyer.

@ Firas,
Thanks. You have a point, it would be probably not advisable to spoil a kid.
It will be actually for us. And in the event that I am too old to continue, whatever little property I have I intend to pass to my son (if possible). And getting a property will be the least of my priorities since I first need to find solutions to a number of obstacles we will be facing.

My intention was to avoid rental fees. I have been living in a foreign country and paying rent for 10+ years. I thought if all those rent payment was converted to loan payments for a property, I would have saved more and be a better provider for my family.

if you want to raise him as a Japanese, someone has to educate the language and the culture in home. because you are unfamiliar with the language, who teaches him the language and the culture of Japan ?
generally speaking, education in public school is for pupils who understand Japanese well.

I read through your story (Thanks for sharing).

As a parent I appreciate you trying to do what you think is best for your child. However, a child is best raised by two loving parents.

Your wife's PTSD is a serious issue. I hope she is getting proper medical care and treatment. It is easier to overcome PTSD with a loving family and friends around her. If you think that will be the case by going to Japan, then you are on the right track. You mentioned she has to live separately from you. I don't know your circumstances, but if you want to move to Japan and your wife is Japanese it would be best if you could stay together, IMHO.

I am sorry, I can't offer any practical knowledge or advice on being able to learn Japanese or working in Japan. If there is love you will find a way to overcome all the technical details of doing what you want to do. I wish you and your family all the best!

@USAngel,
Thank you. I will note your advice. Even though it will be unlikely for us to go to court, it doesn't hurt to be prepared for such situation.

@ Ken,
What you said is true. This will be one of the biggest obstacles I need to face.
Currently at home, we all speak in Nihongo. I can somehow manage to talk to my son at a very basic level. And somehow me and my wife can have conversations in Japanese though I have to admit, my vocabulary is not enough and my sentences are broken. My wife does almost all of the educating when it comes to culture, discipline and language. My son is still very young so right now, he may not understand the culture part yet. But I can see that my wife's way of disciplining is working. And at the age of 2 yrs. and 3 mos. my son is already starting to talk in Japanese (only phrases though).

It's not like my wife wants to relinquish her relationship with my son. It is just that she has this strong conflicting feelings of having a half-Japanese son living with her in Japan. I don't know if it is typical with conservative Japanese, but what other people thinks seems very important for her.

Thank you for raising this issue. I'll do what I can to brush up my language skills and gain more deep knowledge about the culture.

Hi again,

Papakuma, I just want to clarify that, in my ititial post, I didn't mean that you must live with grandparents. I was only saying that you cannot raise a toddler all by yourself.

Being a single parent is fine. But any parent, single or not, needs help. I've seen single parents successfully raise toddlers by living in the same apartment as their friends. They don't have to be grandparents. Regardless, you need help on a daily basis.

And the people who help you need to understand the local language, because they will be dealing with nurseries and doctors and landlords and neighbors. Then these people will automatically aid your son's language education.

But the bottom line is that you need to secure help, even if you are able to be with your child 24/7.

I'm also just curious. Have you spent time with your son but without your wife for more than a month?

@wellwisher,
Thank you for your thoughts.
I also believe that life would be better for my son if the two of us are around. Relying only on myslelf will be very tough and not wise. So maybe along the way, and if there would be a chance, I can use a little help from anyone.

The info on this thread alone is a great help for us.

@Uco,
I understand. I also know that it may impossible to deal with this by myself. If help will come along the way then I would gladly accept it. Maybe after I manage to secure a student visa, then slowly I can try to built a small circle of acquaintances.

I haven't had the chance to be alone with my son for a month. The longest was for two weeks when my wife went back to Japan. Luckily my boss allowed me to work at home so I took care of my son for 2 weeks while working at the same time. I know it is impossible to do the same thing in Japan so I am researching about day care centers.

I'm glad you had that 2 weeks experience as a father. But day care is day care, and they won't take care of your child at night or when he is sick. As a parent, I can say that babysitting 24/7 just for 2 weeks and raising a child as a single parent for the years to come are two whole different things. I wish you luck regardless. And this thinking process itself will be good for your parenthood, I'm sure.